32. My Husband's Perspective: Body Struggles, Boundaries, Wellness Tools
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Sterling Graham (aka my husband) is our guest today on Body Breaking Free Podcast! We get extra vulnerable talking about body struggles, control, boundaries, wellness tools and relationship struggles. Some tears and laughs, we open up about our relationship and the impact that my body struggles have had on our growth. The intention for this episode is to make all of us feel less alone and to normalize personal development/self-care/therapy.
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Katie Kay
Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of body breaking free. I am your host, Katie Kay. And today we have a very special guest on the show. It is my husband, Sterling Graham. And it's really awesome to have him just be open to coming onto the show. And, and we talk about a lot of big stuff, a lot of vulnerable stuff. And I think that the best thing that we can do, that all of us can actually do is just to make us all feel less alone. And if we are open and willing to share our struggles, and some of the things that just make us feel weird and alone and not good enough, can sometimes just be the most supportive thing that you can do for other people. And we all are connected and the way that we all have our own struggles and just makes us feel a little bit less separate from each other. And so today's episode, we talk about our relationship, we talk about my body struggles, my struggle with control and boundaries. And then at the end, I get into the wellness tools that support me and my self care and in sterling shares all of his insights and perspectives on all of these topics. And yeah, just really, really excited to share this episode. And the best way that you can support the podcast is just to share it, share it with a friend, share it with somebody that you love, and especially on this on this episode, especially because, you know, we, we don't know what people are going through. And if we can share this and make them feel less alone, or just be like, Hey, there's this couple that got a little crazy. And they went into some deep topics like check it out. I think that we can just support each other in that way. And, and I also purposely didn't edit the podcast, only edit it in the first few minutes just to cut out some blank space. But yeah, I just wanted it to be really just authentic. And I'm real and and so that's what we all get today. And sharing that with somebody that you love can be more profound in their life or if they listen and they think somebody might be able to, you know, get some good takeaways from it, sharing it with somebody else, the less and less we feel like our struggles are something that be shameful about or something to hide, the more that we can feel connected and the more that we can all understand that we're not alone. And being open can be a really empowering thing. So I'm excited for you to hear it. So sit back, relax and take a listen. But let's jump right into it. jump right in. Alright, so welcome all the listeners today, Sterling Graham. My husband is here with me today. Welcome Sterling on the podcast.
Sterling
Thanks for having me. I think I'm excited. I don't really know. Yeah,
Katie Kay
we're both feeling a little uncomfortable, vulnerable, vulnerable, and not sure how this is gonna, how this is gonna go. But that's kind of the point of the podcast is to open up and be truthful. And I felt like Sterling, if he was willing to come on was probably one of the best guests I can have. Because he knows me so well. And we can talk about more intimate conversation and get in a little bit deeper on some some really important topics.
Sterling
Yeah, these conversations we have behind doors, or close doors in our home. And then now bring it to public. I mean, isn't the worst thing I think we should do it but it's just, it's different.
Katie Kay
It's different. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you face the mic stir. So it's
Sterling
that better? Yeah, you can kind of I can't face you. Just,
Katie Kay
it's just better if you kind of like mine is kind of right in front of my face. Yeah.
Sterling
There you go. Okay. Yeah, that's even better.
Katie Kay
Cool. Yeah. So my intention. I wrote a few bullet points for our conversation so we can just stay on topic, but my intention for this episode is just to make people feel less alone. And I think what's unclear Common in our relationship is that and maybe uncommon, it's not the right word, but just really special is that we're both really open. And we're more comfortable just being truthful and open with people. And I don't think everybody has that ability. Because we all have different backgrounds, we all grew up with different support systems. And luckily, for some reason, we were supported in the fact that if we open up, and we're vulnerable, and we share truth, and we will feel safe and supportive, and so somehow, we found each other and luckily have a podcast. And so what better opportunity for us to share a relationship and get in a little bit deeper on my body struggles and some of the things that I deal with that Sterling sees, because of course, it's not in my mean, I try and keep it in my small container. But if you're in a relationship, and obviously bleeds over into the relationship as well, and the people around you are affected as much as you don't want them to be. And so it's, it's a good time for us to open up and, and make people feel less alone, that they're not crazy and weird, and how I used to feel for sure, in our early stages, when we were first dating, as I felt a little bit more shame. And like, I had to hide some of the things that I didn't like about myself. So that's the first intention. And then the second intention is I just want to normalize personal development. I want to normalize that therapy and taking care of yourself and making your wellness a top priority is really important. And sometimes we can feel a little selfish or just just uncomfortable, because what does that look like to other people if we're going to therapy, and especially the people that we love, and so I want to just show up, and, you know, say I've been to therapy, and I'm doing all this self care things, because that's what I need. And that's what's important to myself. But yeah, so that was the that's the two intentions. What do you think about that Sterling?
Sterling
Yeah, I think that I grew up in a place where there I didn't know that I didn't guess I didn't even know that therapy was a thing. And may it be good or bad. It's just that's how I grew up. And then I met you, and I think you are definitely the first person that I knew went to therapy. And I think truthfully, if I'm going to be honest, I'm like, Why is she going to therapy? What's that all about? Like, but I was I don't think it was in a judging way. Because I still was like, so interested and so like, so wanting to get to know you more. And so I learned more about it and is and I guess we can get to this more in depth. But I've learned that self care, may some people need to do two hours a day may some people need to do two hours a month is the most important thing that you can do for yourself, the most important beyond relationships beyond anything, you can't be in something like that without being happy with yourself. And once you're happy with yourself, then you can work on your relationships and things like that, but you got to you got to be in a place where you're comfortable being around someone and being vulnerable, to really get into a depth of love or relationship or something. So, yeah, learn that. And I think it's changed my perspective, a lot. I have gone from probably never doing any self care and that's a different thing. I think my self care is like, I like to get exercise I like to be exhausted. And that's when I feel content, like being outside going doing something may be you know, skiing, biking, hunting, fishing, you know it, you go out and do a full day of that. Then you could come home and feel content, you know, or a hard day's work. You know, I love a hard day's work. So that would be more of my self care. And everyone has different ways of self care to I guess I've learned there's, you know, the people that want to do the meditation or the you know, people want to do the therapy or you know, people want to go to the bar and get drinks you know it there's so many different types. self care. And you just got to kind of figure that out. But yeah, I think intending to fix yourself as the only way to really be happy and in in no way. Are we there and I don't know if you'll ever be there. But it's good to learn and realize these things.
Katie Kay
Yeah, we're both very different people, which also makes it very interesting. But I feel, I think that in a lot of relationships, that's just how it is we just come from different backgrounds and environments, and we're just different people. And sterling is very black and white. And I live very much in the gray zone. And that made it a little bit harder at the beginning. And, but also, it makes us such a good match, because sterling is so good for me, because he lives in the present moment so much. And he just, he's able to just be up in the moment and be really excited to go do activities and motivates me, and I've kind of just had to, like, I've kind of had to learn that. And it's still really hard for me, because I'm in my head a lot. And I'm thinking and I look at one thing a lot differently. Sometimes I'm still early, because I see all the gray in it, and which can make it hard, but also it's really good. I think for him too is we complement each other in that way. And I can see things that are a little bit more blurry, then he can and so it gives him different perspectives on on one thing that might have just been a black or white situation. But that's why I kind of feel like we find the people that we need to and it's interesting how we find the people that push our buttons, but also in a way is exactly what we need. And that was one thing is I needed to show up for myself and explain to Sterling and also show him that I really did need to make myself care a priority and and it wasn't about me not loving him. And the way that I didn't even know the word boundaries. Like this is a whole new word. I didn't even know this at the beginning of our relationship. So that wasn't even I mean, even after years of therapy and college when I was going through at that was different because I was going through depression and anxiety and working through some of that stuff. But when we first started dating, and it was clear that I, I really had a hard time with the boundaries and with the me time versus time and what Sterling just said about making self care a priority. It's, I agree, it's like that saying where unless your cup is full, you can't. You can't enjoy the company and be with the company of others in the way that you want to be in the way that you can give and receive love in the way that you want without being full yourself. So that was definitely a huge struggle in the beginning of our relationship from away. And that was one of the bullet points I wrote down for today's topic. And I had body struggles control boundaries and wellness tools, and just all the all that really, really fun topics. But there's stuff that we all need to talk about. So yeah, and I just want to give a little background of our relationship we've dated for seven years, we got married, or we got engaged. I guess we got engaged six years into it or something like that. I don't know. We're bad with dates, but and now we just got married a few months ago. And then yeah, I just wanted to give a little little intro and how long we've been dating because I think that's relevant to how much we've been through and, and ups and downs like we're really really well matched in so many ways it like weird personality ways. But it does not mean that relationships are fucking hard because they're hard. Like, am I right, Sterling?
Sterling
Yeah, don't get me wrong. We definitely, I think now longer into the relationship. We're getting better but we still have our tips. But at the beginning, we just I think we just misunderstood each other. And it led to. It wasn't like anything big, but it'd be misunderstandings and uncomfortable feelings that you know, those, when you have one of those things going on, it's not just like a, Oh, it feels like this for a night or two, you know, it goes for a week or two, you know, and you have those feelings, and then you finally have to resolve them. And it, it definitely was, I guess, hard. I mean, we are still in love. And I never thought of like that this relationship wasn't gonna last. But there was definitely things we had to figure out. And it took, and it still takes I don't, I don't want this to come across it, oh, we're the perfect relationship. We don't have to work at it anymore. Like, I think the your parents always err, I've heard the term, you know, relationships at work, and they are, but there's way more to them than like, there's way more excitement to that. You have like a best friend that someone it's hard to get across. But like, you have someone in the world that knows you through and through. And that's tough. Like, it's hard to even accept yourself, we all struggle I that's my biggest struggle is accepting myself. And so if you have someone on your side that accepts you to the air really helps. And there's just, we'll go back to it, there's still so much that that we'll probably have to work through but it.
Katie Kay
Yeah, and we recently I've talked about that not feeling good enough and having to accept yourself. And that's a hard, I mean, that's just a hard underlying thing that I've really been trying to look at, in myself. And I set one of my intentions for the new year was to do a judgment detox. And it's been like one of the hardest things because I have to write down all my judgments on other people or on myself. And underneath all of it is a fear, basically, underneath all of our is a fear of not feeling good enough, not doing enough, kind of feeling helpless. And so underneath all of our fears, or, or sorry, underneath, all of our judgments are really just a reflection onto ourselves. And there's a deeper wound underneath. And so we've Sterling and I have talked about that feeling of just not feeling good enough. And the like, if not, without shining a light on it. Sometimes it can like any of our reactive patterns, it can control it can control our lives. And so being able to shine a light on it, at least you can show up for that and understand it more. But Sterling Sterling was introduced to that alien recently, we have a good conversation, I think
Sterling
that everyone should get it started that judgment detox, and I think everyone should try that. I definitely. I definitely judge people a lot. And it is. When she started doing that, it made me realize and man, it's hard. And I think it comes down to like, it doesn't matter what people are doing around you. And I I'm not saying oh, I don't judge people anymore. I definitely still judge people. But it's good to start realizing that you are doing that and and try to get away from it. Because you don't know the people's backstory. You don't know anything about it. You see some random person doing something, you're like, they're stupid, what an idiot. And then you like, you have no idea what they're doing it for. And it's just tough. Like, yeah, man, just, it's so, so hard.
Katie Kay
And it's also every judgment on somebody else is actually just a reflection back onto yourself. And that's the scary part and uncomfortable part because you judge yourself, buddy. Like we were watching the TV show the other day, and I was like, I judge this guy so hard for wearing the Apple ear pods on the phone. Yeah. And I was like that sluggy at like, what a nerd. And you were like judgment detox and I was like, oh my god, it's so true. I'm like, why would I judge somebody for wearing Apple pods or they're on the phone like in 10 years we're probably all going to be doing that and definitely a reflection on myself for probably feeling uncomfortable, like wearing new technology or and I guarantee it underneath is something For the fear of not feeling good enough, so it's really just like every time and I just love how you catch me because I'm like, god damn it like, yeah, you know,
Sterling
I do it too, though, man. It's sucks, sucks. You just, and I've just caught it more and more lately, and you're just you're constantly judging people. And it's just like, trying to get away from that. It's just, it's so hard, it's
Katie Kay
hard. And I want to ask you, because I'm in the world of personal development, and I go to therapy once a week. And I just think, I mean, I don't always like I think at some point, I probably will stop going to therapy, and then I'm sure I'll probably pick it back up again. But I'm kind of in the world of personal development. And it's something I just really prioritize, it's kind of, almost, sometimes it feels out of my control, not in a negative way. But just like something that just in my heart is something that I just know that I really value, and being able to look at all those underlying wounds and fears. And, and I think a big thing about it is I just see proof and how much it's lifted me and how much I feel like I can be more of myself, the more that I peel back the layers, and even though it sucks, and. And for you, like you, your world isn't necessarily in that you don't really prioritize, you know, looking at some of those deeper things. And I always think about that, because I don't think one is wrong or right. Because I think as long as you're really happy, because you're really, really happy person and you live in the moment. And I think that's being present in the moment is the most valuable thing, because I think we all are peeling back the layers so that we can just be more fully alive in each moment. But I also feel like we all have these underlying things that run the show, run our lives in way of anxiety, or we might have emotional reactions, or we might not be feeling good enough. So we might feel like, oh, I need to exercise today or I need to go work really hard today to prove that I'm good enough when maybe you actually needed a day of just chillin and, and so I wonder I guess how you view it? If I don't know, I guess I just I wonder because I want to normalize personal develop in the way that if people want that if they want to improve themselves, they should have every permission and uplifted for that. But I also believe that if you don't feel like it's running the show, if you feel happy, then what's the what's the point? I think
Sterling
something when you were talking, I don't know. And this is just me It clicked though. And I think I have clarity of what, for me at least this the things that run the show on my head probably are different than the things that run the show in your head, versus the things that run the show in other people's head. You know, everyone has different thoughts, interline thoughts? Mine main thoughts, I think would be I need to get exercise. I want to sleep good tonight. Therefore exercise. Typically, when I do exercise, I sleep better, except for when I get massive amounts of exercise and that that I don't sleep great those nights because I think my body's just too exhausted or two is recovering or something like that. But it's like, okay, I want to sleep well tonight, because I don't feel good tomorrow. So I need to get exercise. And then another underlying thought is like, I want to eat things that give me good energy. And so basically, I don't dig deeper in the layers, because those are the thoughts in my head, I don't have thoughts of, well, I need to you know, improve this style of my life, because that'll make me happier. What makes me happier would be let's sleep well tonight. So I feel good tomorrow. So I can do cool things the next day type of thing. And then there's another driver of like, I don't want to just like sit around I want to go experience the world I want and I don't even know if it's a world but I want to go explore, I think explore would be the thing for me. And so I tried to the things that what makes me happy is when I go and do those things. So okay, let's go out side exercise. So let's jump on a mountain bike. Let's jump on a dirt bike, let's jump on a snowmobile or let's go hunting and go hike through the woods and get to these places and explore senior things while you're getting exercise, having fun and then I can come come home and be just content as could be. And then beyond that, like, while I'm out there, it's like, I need just food that gives me energy to do it. And that always goes through my head. Like, one of the biggest things in my life is food. I like, I'm like, I need food. I need energy. Like, I'm always like, Katie, what are we doing for lunch? What's dinner? Like, oh, we need food. And so I always do do that.
Katie Kay
It's like, it's just exhausting. It's so tired of it. No, it's not you. It's like, oh, God, what are we gonna eat for dinner? Yeah, so true. That's the worst. That's why I make huge batches of
Sterling
the worst. But yeah, I think for me, that is what creates happiness. And I think that everyone is different. But I, what I try to do is I try to satisfy those inner thoughts with accomplishing the things that make them happy, and then I can be content so. So in a way, that would be my therapy. You know, it's different. But at the same time, don't I, Katie and I have gone to couples therapy before. And it was good. I think I'm scared of therapy. That that's, that's hard. That stuff like is, it's really hard when when you have the therapist asking, you know, into, like, why do you feel that way? And and then, you know, beyond that, like when she's, well are ours was a lady. And when she started digging into, you know, well, Sterling, this is like, kind of your thing, what what's the problem here, you should look into that blah, blah, blah, and you're just like, oh, gosh, here we go. Like, it's like, hard. It's a hard looking in. So I think I also run on the side that I don't look that deep into myself. And it doesn't make me unhappy to not look deep.
Katie Kay
And I think it just, it's good for us. Because to talk about this because we're we both just have a very different in our world. And so it's just interesting. And I and I think you're right, it's like, it's not one is good, or one is bad. It's just and when you're talking, it's like, oh, I just, you know, I think about oh, and when I go explore and I want to feel good, and I care about eating and sleeping, it's like oh my gosh, like Hell yeah, like, that sounds amazing. That sounds like freedom in itself. So it's like, why would you need to? Why would you need to dig in deeper if, if you're not, I mean, if, if you don't need to, and also, if you're not faced with any thing that you want to move through. And I think that's just true in life, you'll probably face be faced with struggles that eventually you'll probably need to face and I believe that the struggles keep showing up over and over until you actually deal with them and face them. So that might show up later. And you might have the availability to, to move through and heal. But just hearing you talk, it's like, okay, like, that makes a lot of sense. And I've had to dig out of a hole to get myself to freedom. And I don't think that I have freedom is such a subjective word, but like, I still am working through things obviously, where I don't feel fully free in my body and, and in my sense of self, and I'm just I'm working through them and, and also not feeling like there is some kind of perfect state, it's just as long as I'm happy working through them. Then I think I just I keep going. But I, I guess I I wanted to say that in college when I was really unhappy in my body. Excuse me, and I I had so I was I was going I was exercising a lot and I went on some diets and I think this is just such a common story that most people deal with is they just don't feel good in their own skin. They just don't feel comfortable and and also I just didn't like how I looked. And I just thought that the more weight that I could lose the moral like myself and the more others will like me and the more I'll fit in and it's kind of this age old story by now I feel like but so that been looking back and looking at that, it's like, there was no freedom, like I was being run by things that I would my day to day routine. And everything I was doing was being run by fears and things underneath, I had no idea even existed. And all of my focus and energy was on my body. And I know we've talked, like I've told you this before, but I'd wake up every morning, just thinking about what I ate the day before, like, what did I eat, how many calories that I intake. And that is just a good example, as far as how much of my full self and everything was involved in this one task of trying to, you know, feel better and look better. And I can just look at the journey. And it really was actually the work that well, when I kind of broke down and I had to I had to go to therapy and just kind of I totally felt lost. And I realized it was actually all the work I did within of healing everything, all of my limiting beliefs and all the false stories that I told myself that ended up reflecting back on to my body and how I could feel really good at my body. And it was that was just really interesting. And so I had no idea at that time. And so the breaking free and feeling good in my body was this a totally different process than the diet and exercise that I had initially. Initially when went that route and, you know, doing everything right. And I also I'm going to make a little point in the middle of this is that I haven't had any trauma to my knowledge of like, any catastrophe or, and I'm not going to sync that with trauma, because trauma doesn't necessarily mean it an event that is overwhelming, or something that we would think is catastrophe. But I haven't had anything in my background that has been has been a really, you know, fear trauma, or something that happened to me that I've had to work through, which I find really interesting. And because I think I've had to work through a ton of stuff without being labeled as something that's really been scary, like, anything that to my knowledge has been, you know, really bad in my environment. And I make this point because I want people to understand that you can have a quote unquote, perfect childhood, you can have a really safe and supportive environment growing up, you can, you know, be doing everything right, according to social standards and your external world can seem amazing. But your internal world can still be extremely painful. And I really want to get this point home because that's part of the reason I started the podcast is I don't think a lot of people feel like they have permission to take care of some of those deeper wounds because they don't even think that they're worthy, or that they would be that they're already too privileged or they're already, you know, their outside life is already so good that if they recognize that their internal world is actually full of pain and hurt that somehow that wouldn't be appropriate. And that's another thing I want to normalize. I know I'm just like going off right now. And this is something I'm really passionate about. But if you're having this perfect life and the environment I grew up with and the parents and everything I had was really special and I felt fully supported. But somehow I it spiraled into a place where I just felt so suffocated and so trapped, and I had no other choice but to go to therapy and part of it is a chemical imbalance and I've been on medication, but a lot of it had to do with some of the belief systems that I set up for myself that I had to work through and the judgments and the fears and the expectations. So my, the whole process Excuse me. The whole process about my body struggles is just that I had to work through some of that stuff and I want to, I want to normalize that it's okay if you if you feel stuck, if you're at a place that you feel stuck, that it's okay to. It's okay to show up for some other things that you want to feel like you you can work through. And
Sterling
I think that everyone has body struggles too. Like myself included, I if you were outside person looking at me, you'd be like, Oh, he's in shape and you know, skinny and stuff like that. But I look at myself like, it's a it's a different perspective. My eyes, I look down and I'm like, Oh, I have a belly roll. I'm fat. You know. And in, that's a true thing. I'm like, I'm, I'm overweight, I need to get rid of this fat in it. There is like literally nothing there. But in my head, I believe that and I tell Katie this all the time. This is like something that I harp on all the time. Like, Katie, I need to go get exercise. Katie, I need to like eat healthier. This is like i That's it. And I think I have some underlying thing that like, I don't ever want to be overweight. And so that's like, deep down. And so I see like a teeny bit of fat. And I'm like, oh, that I got to do it. I just the other day, I put my ski pants on for the first time this season. And the buttons are unbuttoning and I think they've been doing it for a while. But like, I've been believing this for a little bit. And I think it's because I went like a week without exercise. We were traveling and then went and traveled some more. And I just like was like, Oh, I'm fat. You know, I can't even fit in these pants. And that I don't even think that's it. But in my head. There's a belief that that's there. And so I think everyone, even if you look at someone, you're like, oh, they have the perfect body. They're struggling, everyone's freakin struggling with something. And I think it's just like, you personally encase helped me with this a lot lately, but are you just like, gotta realize it and then try to find a way to fix it. And May everyone has their different ways of doing it. And but you just got to internalize, oh, that is the actual thought that's been happening in my head. Okay, let's figure that thought out and work through it. And I'm sure there's many other but that just came up to me while you were talking that? Yeah, I definitely deal with that same thing. That's yeah,
Katie Kay
I'm so glad you shared that because Australium is, like, some people might, I don't, I don't even want to label what your body looks like. But it's some people might say is very skinny, and, and athletic. And I just say that because it is it's all a perception that we have and it I don't even think that it needs to. Like if you have a health goal to lose weight, that's separate from the percent or the comments that you're making on yourself in your body, you don't have to hate your body to want to live a healthier life and but they're not mutually exclusive. We just don't it's a hard subject, right? Because I want to be so supportive of people and their health goals and empower whatever it is that they desire. But sometimes that's what's running the show is the things that society is influencing and this cultural matrix that we've just built a program in our head that it's the lens through which we see everything and the end so with the podcast, it's like I say, shifts in perspective is what will set you free and it is it's as long as we can alter that lens through which we see we can break free of everything holding us back and and weight loss or, or whatever it is and you break free of those negative or false perceptions or fear based perceptions and you want to lose weight then you can do it from a place of ease and alignment and connection because you're not run by fear you're run by love and it just it takes a long time to take but for me it took me it is taking me a really long time to get to that place and and it's taken me a really long time to like look down at night Tubby and see those little tiny roles and and I see the old mindset like I can see my college mindset like oh my gosh, like Katie it's time like buckle up. Let's lose weight. And I literally can see it, and I can just push it aside and be like, Oh my gosh, like, this is so silly, I love my body, and I'm doing all the right things, and I'm taking care of myself in the right way. And, but I, I do have to say it's a cunt, like, it's an everyday thing, it's not like it just disappears, it's just the freedom of choice, the freedom of being able to see that old pattern, and be able to, to laugh at it, or just see it and pause and be able to shift in a, in a new direction. And, and that's what's really created a lot for me and, and my relationship with my, with my body. But I think I, I also wanted to hit on that topic of control, because that's just one thing I'm working through right now. So I say, you know, I'm still working on stuff and, and I have up and down days, like I just had down days, a few days, like today, a day ago, when I got my vaccine, and I was in bed and, and like, I mean, and then I also have good days, but then I also want to share that because it's like, we're never gonna be in some perfect state. It's, but it's, and it's okay to be in those down days, but I'm still struggling with feeling like I'm really hard on myself. And that feeling of not good enough, shows up and I'm not doing enough. And it's like I'm kind of trapped in this cage of helplessness. So it's kind of like this in between of, I feel helpless, because I'm laying in bed and I just had the vaccine and I feeling sick and, and then there's also a part of me that's like, you're not doing enough, like, you're not trying hard enough. And I still struggle with that. And so I kind of feel like that's something I'm working through right now. And, and, and not. So what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to detach my self worth from what I do, and trying hard and, you know, exercising every day and doing this, this and this to show that I'm good enough. And so that's obviously something I'm going to be working on probably this weekend, for I don't know, you know, however long it takes, but my control mentality, and Sterling sees this a lot. And I say it on the podcast is just this like, underlying thing that is really hard. And it's i So bringing up that word trauma, again, I have trauma from just a repetitive cycle of control. And it it's just my background. And it's just something that I've used, I don't even know it's just a pattern. It's a pattern over and over again that I've relied on to keep me protected keep me feeling safe. And and so it's really in my schedule and having inflexibility so not feeling like I can be really spontaneous. And, like I so if Sterling shows up at home unexpected, I can get a really high anxiety response that is connected to my emotional brain. So it's really I don't have a ton of control. I don't have any control over it. But you can see how hard that would be to explain to somebody that you love. And it has nothing to do with me not loving that person. Emotionally. But you know that
Sterling
Yep. Yeah, it's, you're gonna have to talk. Okay. It definitely was a thing in our relationship. Because there was one example we were I was backpacking one time and it was over Labor Day weekend, or I think it was Labor Day. And it was crowded. We got what got to a cool Lake. But then we were like, Yeah, we didn't get to go to places we wanted to because there's too many people. And so I came home a day early and called her. And I was like, hey, coming home a day early. I didn't have services, you know, and then got back into service. And I was like, coming home a day early. Probably be home in like 45 minutes in there was just like, What, you're coming home and it was that and we worked through that and it but yeah, she definitely had those things and You know, she's way better? I don't know.
Katie Kay
No, it's Yeah. So it is literally it. Like my therapist is called, like a PTSD response. And in throwing out these words, trauma, PTSD, I think a lot of the time we and me, like, I feel a lot of the time I feel afraid to throw out these words, because I don't want to take away from anybody else's experience. But I've learned that it's not taking it away from somebody else. It's, I heard this example. And hopefully I can say it correctly. But somebody was saying, like, if I, if I'm feeling really good, I'm really happy. Sometimes I get this flash in my head of, oh, gosh, like, there's so many starving people out there. There's so many people in pain, like, I shouldn't be this happy. And, and then she was saying, like, but then I realized my happiness isn't going to hurt those people more that are in poverty or starving. And actually, if I'm a happier person, I can serve the world better. And I and I think that's a good a good mirror into just how I see words like trauma and PTSD. I think a lot of us like are, like if we use these big words, like we're taking away from the people that have had really traumatic experiences. But I've realized that it's not, it's actually we kind of need to open up our hearts more and show like, how pain is existing. And sometimes we have to use those big words. Even if I feel like oh, gosh, like it wasn't really PTSD. But I do have this response that is just it takes over like my emotional brain. And, and that's just like a really hard thing on a relationship. And I think it's probably more common than I think, but it's we all are just we're afraid of hurting the people that we love. And so I can fully understand because it took me like it was some one of those struggles that I had to face that I just like, couldn't get around, like, as much as I wanted to not that you said, I still don't want a visa, but I just have to and so I like going through therapy have really worked on this, and it's totally changed so much. And certainly it said, you know, that instance was a low point because I couldn't really explain what I was feeling. And like, he didn't feel like he was welcome to come home a day early, which is like a shitty feeling for him. It was shitty feeling for me and, and most of the time, I could hide it really well. And I could just cover up the shame and what I was feeling really overwhelmed, like I could come home and even asking, like, Hey, I'm just gonna go upstairs for like, 15 minutes just like to be alone. Like, that was even a really hard thing for me to ask. And anyway, I just there was a lot of shame and uncomfortableness around it. But now I'm working with my therapist, I'm doing ifs therapy, and we talk a lot about our cells are just made up of multiple parts. And there's just one part of me that's in that protector mode, and she's trying to protect me and and so when somebody startles me, or the inflexibility, or I can't be a control, she flares up and is like, okay, alarm system, like we're unsaved like you're not protected right now. And so I get it, you know, I'm already in that anxiety state, but now I'm able to deal with it and come from my resource self, which is my higher self and, and just talk to myself with compassion and, you know, be like, it's okay, like, we're good, you know, you can stay there and I'll look at this whole situation over the over the wall and check it out. And so it's just a different way that you can talk to yourself and and it's in like that control mentality. I've just seen it show up on the podcast a lot with the different guests and and we all want to have a sense of control and, and I get that and it's just set a point where it's influencing your life and, and just, you know, an interesting topic, especially when it comes to relationships and and, you know, if you feel like you're, you're really inflexible and, and struggling with that and might be just like a deeper wound that you don't really have control over. And that's one thing that I learned and that I could give myself more compassion. It's like, I don't really have control over this. And that's okay. And I can figure it out. And yeah, so that was one of the main top, obviously crying shows that big topic. Is there any anything you would like to say about that or you want to move on Sterling?
Sterling
Let's move on. Okay, we covered it. Cool.
Katie Kay
So the last thing is, is like wellness tools. So I wanted to talk about some of the wellness tools, what I do to take care of myself and my daily routine and end with a little, you know, hope and excitement. And there's always hope. Yeah, like, so the, there's always the data that, but this is what I think about the podcast is, we are able to look at the things that are resistant, the things that hold us back, which can be just all of the stuff that we talked about today. And if we can shine a light on those things, then our perception can shift in a way that we it clears this space. And that's the freedom right? It clears this space for us to feel less alone or, or we can feel like oh, like, oh, I deal with that same thing. And, or I Oh, that's something I can work through and, and it just whatever in whatever way that you see it, but and then that space clears and we can, we can then look at new tools and we can then we can try out new things. And that's when it is easy when it comes with a sense of ease and peace. When we're trying to add newness into our life when we're already have a ton of weight on our shoulders, it's just adding more baggage is the way that I see it. It's so I say in the podcast, it's a it's a process of undoing and recreating. So we're undoing or shedding those layers so that we can add in new things. And it's easier, and it's more and more alignment. So so that's why I want to end that podcast with our wellness tools.
Sterling
Get outside people that go enjoy the sunshine, it's thrilling to get a jump in, okay. I don't know, don't be afraid to do things on your own. I think like, I love to go do things on my own, go, go for a hike on your own go skiing, go mountain biking, if you don't do these things to go walk around the park on your own. You don't always need people around you. When you get on your own. That's when you get into your own thoughts. And I think that helps a lot. Like that's when you think when I I used to work for a company, and I would come home and I would I'd be a little like, oh my gosh, work was tough today. And then I just jump on my mountain bike, and just go for 3045 minutes, and I'd come back and I'd be like, Oh my gosh, like I got to work out. And I all I did was think like, my brain was going crazy. I think through problems, I do everything. And then I'd come back home. And I'd be like, Alright, I'm good. You know, and that sounds good. Go for a drive. If you don't want to do that, go for a drive by yourself. And just turn on some music, like some low, I don't know. But you'll just get into your own thoughts. And there's a lot of cures to just finding, solving problems, I find just getting out and doing something don't, don't just be cooped up in your house, your house is a a place where negative thoughts can happen. I think I think you see things in your house like oh, man, I should probably like repair that wall, there's a thing in it, or I should paint that and then this is my thoughts or like, man, it's dirty, I should clean the house or, you know, oh man, this or that. Get out somewhere where you're not having those negative thoughts and just work on your own. And this is totally different. But this is my way of doing it. And, and may also be like, there's also people that I love to go out and go skiing or biking with. And we just go back and forth and just talk the whole time too. And if you have someone that's in a close circle like that, get out with them and I guessing people do but find your people get outside, do what you love. fix your problems, be happy. And I want to we talked about this too is Katie saying well, why can't when she talked about the lady saying why can I be happy or whatever we're all chasing happiness. There's, there's those times that you can rely or go back in your life. You're like, oh my gosh, that was a feeling of complete content. I refer to it as like chasing the dragon. But there's everyone's always chasing something, a feeling that they've had before and it's There's those moments in your life that you're always be chasing. And you're it doesn't happen that often. But I don't know what I want to say about it. But we're always chasing those moments. And it makes it hard. But it's also good that we're chasing those moments. So chase those moments.
Katie Kay
That was perfect. Yeah, I was great. And I, like I was just thinking, while you're talking as I drive my car to a coffee shop, that is way too far away to make it. What do you call it, like, make it reasonable, or, I don't know, if somebody's reasonable or whatever, but it takes it gives me time to listen to podcasts and a logical it's not logical, that I'm driving, you know, 20 minutes to go and buy myself a latte when I'm not making any money. But, but yeah, like, can get kind of get out of the house get away. And, and. And, like, I for the podcast, I just want to make the point that there's no, like, there's no right or wrong. So whatever Sterling said, it's, if you it's just what makes me feel good. Right? Exactly, exactly. And at home, I am in my comfort zone, where I feel safest, but he's right, it's like I do have to push myself to, to live my life. And the more and more that I can work through those things that that hold me down and keep me at home is the more I feel freedom to be able to, to go and do the things that that make, make me feel fully alive and be outside. And so I think that's very, I was very good. Thank you. Thank you, for me. So one thing that is helpful is taking the pressure off. So that feeling of I'm not doing enough, or whatever that whole thing is, is being being my allowing myself to just be an awareness. So sometimes when I'm having a hard day, I can just be like, all I need to do today is just be aware. And that is actually been a really profound thing and actually improving myself and my, my relationship to my body. But if it takes the pressure off as all I need to do that day is just be aware of be aware of what thoughts are coming in my head, or even just be aware of what feel what, what my body feels like what sensations are coming up. Or like I go to a yoga class that day, if I can make it to a class, and it's like, all I need to do in class today is have awareness. Like that's it, if that's and it just gives me that space to not feel any kind of pressure. So having the awareness is always a good anchor for me and I can feel into my body and actually builds that connection to myself and my body too. So and then therapy has been a staple lately. And my week and we talked about that ifs therapy, as well. So and there's an extra bucks, I'll put the link in the in the show notes for one of my favorite books on ifs and then moving my body. So though, my relationship to movement has changed in the way that I see why I exercise and I exercise now to move through things that are stuck in my body and just release energy and I'm a Yoga Instructor. And so I look at things probably a lot different than most people but I kind of think that the body is this energy vessel and, and emotions and thoughts and things kind of get trapped inside of it. And so I go to yoga to release all those things. And I feel like so much better when I get out of class or cardio or skiing, mountain biking. And for skiing and mountain biking. It's different like I just love being outside and just feeling good in my body. It's like it's just a different lens from which I can see exercise. Now I definitely used to see exercises related to calories and how much I could burn and a thing I needed to do and and so if you can somehow look at your movement as something that is positive and supportive to you in whatever way that is authentic to you is maybe a good way to practice and bringing an affirmation in like I move my body and I release things that are not serving me something like that. But yeah, moving my body has been very valuable meditation lately. And I feel like it has finally stuck, it was really hard for me to keep up on my meditation practice, but something switched for me and, and I just have finally found a good 2025 minute meditation practice. And it is a time that I can connect to myself, it's that time I can connect to that feeling. So Sterling was talking about that feeling that we're chasing, I can find that feeling when I meditate. And I'm not saying every day, it feels great. But it really releases a lot of resistance for me, so I can connect to my higher self and I bring that frequency into my the rest of my day. And German lien obviously love, I've talked about that before. Service is actually self care for me. So teaching yoga and feeling and that energy of giving to others, has actually been a big thing. And I was just reading through the Body Keeps the Score, and they talked about, we all need that sense of connection. And I've always kind of thought of myself as a little bit more of a loner and keep to myself really independent and push people away. And I'd never really connect, like I don't need people like, well, I don't whatever, I can be isolated and still be really happy. And sometimes I feel happier when I'm alone. But I really realize it's so at the core of all of us that we want to feel that connection with others, and how important it is, and actually how a lot of us are all of our, all of our actions are actually motivated by we want to belong and we want to connect with other people. So having that having something in where I connect with others and even if it's if you find a local studio, yoga, pilates, or you know, could be an art studio or something where you just are able to see the same people and connect with them. I think that is a very valuable form of self care. And then food so I my relationship to food has changed so much. And it's definitely a hard, it's a hard place. And I've gone through so much with changing how I see food. And I've talked about this in other episodes and one of the good good episodes I talk about food is with Becky cannon and my nutritionist. And so if you want to listen to that, but lately, I've really attached on to the practice of Ayurveda and I really like it because I have my I have a I have my doshas. So an eye or VEDA, you have a percentage of doshas, and I am able to approach food in a unique way that is related to my Doshisha in a way that feels really good in my body. And I also really love the practice of just being really present and grateful for the food that I'm putting into my body. And so I've been eating Khichuri in the mornings, as of late and it's been making me body feel really good and, and so that's been really supportive. But I, I do think that healing relationship to food is also a process of within because our emotions and our belief systems, it can be really attached to reaching for food to cure any kind of discomfort or. And so if you're doing the work within, I believe it's just gonna reflect in how you relate to your food. So focusing less on controlling your food and trying these things and eating a certain way and maybe more on yourself and connecting with yourself and finding that peace and alignment and it will it will really reflect in the way that you eat as well. But I give all my Okay, that's all of it. I knew that was a lot. That was a ton. So sorry if that was two people were different where you were so that was the gray my Get outside and she's like, oh, yeah, talking about all this other stuff, I guess the gray zone but yeah, hopefully that inspires you a little bit and opens up some space and Okay, so the last thing I want to say, and then we'll certainly and is there any kind of last? Well, let me say the last thing and then if there's any last messages that you want to say to the audience, sorry. listeners then you can, if not, no big deal, but there is no one size fits all. And when I started this podcast, I realized that and that was kind of the theme. But the more and more that I interview that guests and the more that I research, the more that I realize it is so, so opposite of a one size fits all. And in this conversation, probably even, it just keeps showing proof and proof, but it is physical, it is mental, it's spiritual, emotional, the relationship that we have with our body, with food with weight loss with ever our health goals, it is so unique to each of us. And really valuing that is awesome. And, and it opens up this space that it doesn't have to look a right or wrong. So if something is uncomfortable for you, or if you're dealing with a struggle, just know that there's multiple ways that you can look at it, and you can approach it and just being available for that it will lead you in the right direction. And not feeling suffocated by by what is what is the standards. And I also want to again, say that if your external world seems quote unquote, perfect, and you're struggling on the inside, then maybe you're dealing with some real stuff, maybe your pain is actually it is real, and important. And I just want to offer that maybe, instead of just fighting so hard and feeling so overwhelmed. Maybe recovery is the best option and and feeling that weight lift and just feeling like maybe recovery is when things will really start to shift for you.
Sterling
Totally. I think that it just the last thing I want to say is just do what makes you feel good. Eat what makes you feel good, eat, what gives you good energy, what gives you things that you can accomplish through the day. What doesn't bog you down, I think that's a big thing I always say is don't bog yourself down with food. And I do it. There's some days where I'm just like, give me all the food in the world. I mean, eat it all. Love it. Love those days. And it's not like I'm on a diet. I just like to have good energy. And so it doesn't mean I won't eat McDonald's or Taco Bell or talk about sex. Yeah, yeah, Del Taco, or Taco Time. Now we're talking. But Taco Bell has fake cheese.
Katie Kay
That's fairly Oh.
Sterling
But just do what makes you feel good. Yeah, in that's all throughout your life. What, whatever gives you good mental state. Do that. Like if sitting on your cell phone for 10 hours a day makes you feel good. Do it. And don't let other people's judgment or the judgment of yourself doing that make you feel like shit. Like, if that's what truly makes you happy. Accept that and do it. Whatever truly makes you happy. accept it for what it is. And do that. And then just chase that. But you got to accept yourself to be able to do that. Like, whatever it is, you have to internalize it and be like, This is what makes me happy. I don't care what the outside world, like thinks of it. I'm going to do this because it makes me happy. And then chase that.
Katie Kay
Awesome. Thank you. Thanks, Sterling. And thanks, listeners for being here. And if you liked our conversation, and you think a friend would enjoy it, pass it along. That's the best way to support the podcast. And if you're like, Wow, this couple's got a lot of shit going on. They're really vulnerable. Maybe my friend Aaron would really love this. So I'm gonna send it to her and there's a link to share the episode and so
Sterling
like, subscribe, peace out.
Katie Kay
Oh, gosh. All right, well, peace out. Thanks, guys. See you next week.
