41. Uncovering: Addictions, Recovery and Awakening / Jenna Neubauer
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Jenna is a spiritual seeker and wellness practitioner on a mission to help others thrive. Today's episode Jenna opens up about her past addictions (eating disorder, alcohol, self-hatred) and the road to recovery. Her vulnerability and openness is a true gift. Jenna now has purpose serving others by helping them through their own healing journey. She is active in the recovery community and loves helping others realize they can break free from their addictions. She is a certified yoga instructor, Y12SR guide, and reiki master. She also offers monthly cacao, ecstatic dance, and sound healing ceremonies. Today we talk about deeper roots behind additions, eating disorders, awakening to your higher self, self-love, healing modalities, and connecting to a higher power.
Episode Topics:
Eating Disorder: Jenna's story dealing with control around her body & food
Recovery from Addiction
Healing Modalities: Yoga, Sound Healing, Cacao & Ecstatic Dance, Reiki
12 Step Programs
Food Freedom
Awakening to healing & self-love
Deep Rooted Fears: Iceberg analogy & journaling Exercise (discovering the "why?")
Spirituality & Higher Power & Higher Self
Miracle of the Body
Katie Kay
Hey everyone, and welcome back to another episode of body breaking free. Today we have amazing guests, Jenna Neubauer is on the episode. However first before we dive into the episode, please support the podcast I've listed a few ways in the show notes rate and review this episode especially we really get vulnerable. And so if you think there's somebody that would enjoy some of those deeper topics and relationship to food relationship to body, Jenna is so open and the way that she shares her story. So supporting the podcast supporting people that you love by just being able to share this episode. And yeah, and support us in that way. That would be amazing. The more that we can interact with each other, the more that we can open up to our struggles and share these types of vulnerabilities. In just the more and more we will all feel less alone, the more that we can build this community and start to open up a little bit more. Okay, so this episode, Jenna Neubauer, Jenna is a spiritual seeker and wellness practitioner on a mission to help others thrive. She is a certified yoga instructor, yoga of 12 step recovery guide, and Reiki master, she also offers monthly cacao, a static dance and sound healing ceremonies. And I will put all of that information in the show notes so you can check out when those workshops are happening. Jenna is active in the recovery community and loves helping others realize they can break free from their addictions. So amazing guest on the podcast breaking free. We talk about some of those deeper emotions, the judgments, the fear, the pain that we put on ourselves and our body. We talked about creating a healthy relationship with food and what kind of recovery process that looks like. Like I said, Jenna is a gift in the way that she shares her vulnerability and our truth today on this episode. So get ready. Sit back, grab your coffee, and take a listen. Jenna, thank you so much for being here today on body breaking free podcast.
Jenna Neubauer
Thanks for having me.
Katie Kay
Yeah, it's a pleasure having you. And I'm really excited to get into all of the work that you're doing and in the yoga space and the energy space, and also kind of dive into your own personal story. But let's start with your work what what work you're doing in the community, maybe just give us a brief overview of all the amazing things that that you're bringing into this community.
Jenna Neubauer
Thanks, Katie. Such sweet words. I'm excited to be here as my first podcast ever. So I got a little nerves going on. But I think that's important to share right off the bat that it's okay to feel nervous, and it's okay to share it too. So I've been in Park City for about five or so years now. And I've been offering yoga and Reiki which is a form of energy healing, ecstatic dance, cacao ceremonies, and sound healing. It's been such a beautiful thing to offer, because I find that you know, I was called to these modalities because they helped me so much in my journey. And so it just feels so good to give back something that has the potential to really improve and change the whole trajectory of someone's life. You know, I found a lot of healing in these modalities. And it's just such an honor to sit in the role of guide and continued to get out of my own way and make it less about me and more about, you know, just the, the offering itself. So it's a beautiful experience. And I'm, I'm grateful to be you know, getting to learn more about myself and others and connecting every day.
Katie Kay
So beautiful and you have such a calming voice. I feel like I'm just like in the energy of calm right now. Yeah, and I loved how you started that with a little nervous and being on a podcast like it can be a little uncomfortable. I mean, it is you're sharing your heart and soul and you want people to like you and you know, you, you're there's a lot of things that come up a lot of emotions. And so thank you for acknowledging that because it is okay to feel discomfort, it's okay to feel all kinds of emotions and, and so it just kind of given us all permission to, to have all of that in this space. So thank you for first starting out that way and being vulnerable. So, I Yeah, and I want to get into Yeah, some of these modalities that you're talking about, I went to well, I've gotten to Jenna's yoga classes. And I've also gone to Jenna's cacao, and a static dance ceremony. And I entered into that feeling really uncomfortable. I was, before I went, I tried on, like, three different kinds of pants, because I wasn't really sure, like, I tried to, like, be really flowy and I had like, these really flowy like, sweat pant kind of things. And, and my husband Sterling's, like, you're really nervous, are you because you're like, trying on different outfits ago. But yeah, it was, it was amazing, it was actually really amazing. I think exactly what I needed, because I think I get really stiff and kind of, I have this underlying kind of type A control mentality. And it shows up in my body just in a way that I'm very, you know, stiff in the way that I move. And, and a lot of the activities, I do skiing and mountain biking, it's just, it's very athletic. And, and so being able to come to this dance ceremony and just like really let go and flow and, you know, just like be in that space. And can you tell us a little bit about the cacao and dance ceremony? And how did you end up like getting into that and teaching it?
Jenna Neubauer
Yeah, I love to. So dialing back many, many years, my, my sister and I started dance classes when we were about three years old. And I really loved moving my body. And you know, I've always loved music a lot, too. So I thought, You know what, uh, I mean, I probably didn't think this as a three year old. But now looking back, I was like, so lucky to get to express myself in this way from such a young age. And, you know, as I got older, my priorities kind of changed. And I I veered away from my path with dance, but I always have enjoyed, you know, going to see live music and dancing and just like having that feeling of freedom, and you know, the energy release and the stress relief. And so, I went to my first ecstatic dance and cacao ceremony, actually, just last year, when I was visiting Maui and synchronistically, it was just a friend of mine, invited me happened to be one of the days I was there. And I felt this just sense of belonging and sense of like, truth that was undeniable. And, you know, I can get more into each modality if you want but you know, the, the cacao ceremony is such a heart opener and a grounding. Practice that, for me, helps me tune into my intuition and that, that guiding voice, that feeling that is undeniable, you know, my truth. And so it, the cacao ceremony was was beautiful in a way that I felt just so connected. And then following that was the ecstatic dance. And it was, it was different in the way that, you know, I grew up learning about dance and certain moves and you move to the B and you move to, you know, you have a routine. And so, I get I got to kind of explore a new kind of dance, where you literally abandon yourself to the rhythm of the music that you're hearing, or I like to encourage people to tune into the rhythm that they're feeling in their own body and in their heart. And naturally, I found myself in a state of euphoria and Just so much just connection and tapping into that place of infinite potential. So I was so truly inspired that I came back to Park City and I was like, Where, where's ecstatic dance happening where cacao ceremonies happening beside need to be there as like a sort of like a monthly membership, join, you know, like, I wanted more. And, and I didn't find that much. So also during the pandemic, so that could have been part of it. So, I, I asked in my meditation connecting to this higher power that I, I use as a guide to and I got a really clear message that you know, I should offer it, why not? So, I, I kind of battled the imposter syndrome, because I had only been to one before, so who am I qualified to help guide people to this experience that I had had that have been so powerful. So I just started doing it. And it's been a really rewarding and nerve wracking and uncomfortable thing to do. But I, I feel like it's what I meant to do. So, yeah, no, I
Katie Kay
love that I love giving yourself permission to just kind of step out of the way and step out of your insecurities and, and lead other people through this practice. And, yeah, I mean, I had never heard of it before. And so I'm really happy that you are offering these different types of wellness practices and, and we all can, you know, try it out. And that's the fun part of is trying it out and seeing if it fits our authenticity and, and then moving forward with it, if it feels really good, and just having the availability of it, it's just so powerful. Yeah. And so with all of the, all of your teachings, so the sound healing and the Reiki and the energy healing, and the teaching, you know, that you kind of seems like there's this thread line of connecting to your intuition and what you said, you know, connecting to that place of higher self and, and so how has that shown up in your life, personally, just like for you, it must have really made a big impact, to be able now to commit your life to teaching other and guiding other people into the same practices.
Jenna Neubauer
So I kind of want to go back to the beginning, a little bit. Love it. Okay. So, like I mentioned earlier, I was in dance at a very young age, and felt comfortable in my body pretty much for the most part until I hit puberty. And then I was like, fuck this. I don't want my body to change. And so I resisted that for a really long time. You know, I was also trying to find who I was, you know, going through puberty and as an adolescent, I think we're all trying to search like where we fit in. And so I remember you know, connecting in with some people, some girls in my class and some of them you know, feeling the same way I did, like, I don't want my body to change I want to stay super, super duper skinny, you know, and so one of my friends at the time, introduced me to bulimia and it was like it was such magic cuz I could still eat and then and purge and then get this sense of control and almost like a high that it was the first high I ever got. And so that is kind of hard to hide. So I remember getting caught by my mom and her being so concerned for my well being, but I didn't really open up too much. I was really isolating and my feelings of being lost and trying to fit in and not feeling comfortable in my body as a developing woman. And so the bulimia really quickly turned into anorexia, that was so much easier to hide, and I became such a just wonderful liar. You know, like, my family asking me if I, you know, wanted to come to dinner or something, and, you know, saying I already ate or. And so that was kind of the beginning of me feeling like, I was like, connected to something, it connected me to these other women who were going through the same thing I was going through, but we had, like, we had a solution, you know. And we had a sense of control. So, you know, over over time, I feel like that voice inside my head that told me that I wasn't, you know, whatever, enough, started out skinny enough. And then it, you know, pretty much turned into anything, you fill in the blank, pretty smart, talented, likable, cool. You know, I want to be so cool. And so over time, I've, I feel like I needed other things. My anorexia was not doing the trick anymore of quieting those voices. And so I got to, I got to start to learn other tools or other escape methods. So I was introduced to drugs and alcohol and sex in my, you know, late middle school, early high school years. And then it was like the same thing I felt when I first threw up after Ed and it was like, magic. I found another solution, because it, you know, drugs and alcohol and sex really helped me quiet those voices in my head that told me I wasn't good enough. So, you know, later in high school, those, those were my priorities, they were partying. And, and that was kind of, that's just who I became, that was my identity. And it worked for a long time, you know, and it, but what it did at the same time, was basically just put a bandaid on what needed to be healed all along, which was, I find now as corny as it sounds like true acceptance of self, and true love of myself. And, you know, I also feel like, in our society, and just, you know, as a woman, I felt like there was this invisible timeline on my life, you know, I, I needed to graduate from college, I needed to find a partner, I needed to get married, and I needed to have a family. And, and what I had been kind of trained to believe, by all kinds of things in our society is that once I did those things, then I would be happy and successful. So I was looking for those things on the outside those material that material happiness to try to fill this void inside that was just asking to be seen and heard since I was little, little, little. And so anyways, I I kind of felt deep down still, at the same time, that maybe that timeline wasn't for everybody. And maybe I didn't fit into that timeline. So anyways, I kind of felt my intuition at a young age, but denied it, denied it, and just let it become background noise. And all the other like substances and behaviors helped keep that at bay and keep me disconnected, I think from that authentic, vulnerable, true self. So over time, you know, I, I was I was using these behaviors and substances and they were working for a while, but at the end, you know, about six years ago, nothing was working anymore, and I found myself in such a deep depression. When coupled with like, anxiety swings and anxiety that I was I was suicidal, I was so cut off from myself that I was like, I really believed to my innermost self that at 30 years old that it was time for me to go, like, nothing left to give. And, and that was my reality. I was so disconnected from myself that I was, I was just done. And so luckily, I feel like it was a combination of, you know, Destiny and, and freewill that I was brought into the rooms of recovery, and started my healing journey, and started that journey of connecting to this part of myself that is so important and lovable and worthy, and, and giving and kind and, you know, just me,
Katie Kay
my gosh, thank you so much for being so vulnerable and sharing that I mean, the amount of pain, it's just like, it's undeniable in your story. And then at the same time, I think that a lot of us feel that same level of pain that just might be not as noticeable, and our outward expressions and actions, and it's fascinating that our society, I mean, at a young age, we can feel those kind of emotions of feeling not good enough and fitting some sort of ideal. And, I mean, I think that's like a really big thing, why I started the podcast is just the, the body is being this physical representation of our self worth, of what we think is our self worth and how destructive that can be. And all of those things of what you were talking about just the fill in the blank, you know, not good enough? Yeah. Yeah, I think that's just like, it's just, I don't like I don't think there's any kind of fix or solution, I just think that the more that we're able to talk about it, the more each of us, we can understand that maybe there's some of that within all of us that once were able to look at it and recover. And however that looks like for each of us, the more lifted of that way. And that heaviness that we've been carrying on our shoulders for so long. And the more more expansion and more freedom that we can feel in just what you were saying, like me, like, feel like me, just like in the love and in the self words, and all those beautiful words that you used. Yeah, I think that it's just like, I mean, it's just a it's a hard, it's a really hard topic to talk about. And I think a lot of us just like, want one of way to as much as we can. Yeah, obviously. Where do you think like, for you? When did you kind of realize that you were holding on to some of those deeper feelings of just not feeling good enough? And I mean, I guess, in your recovery, what did that look like? And I know that you teach the the 12 step yoga, and and, and helping people recover from addictions in that way. Was that part of your recovery process as well? Or did it look a little bit different?
Jenna Neubauer
So luckily, at the end of my active addiction with alcohol, it was pretty obvious to me to myself and to most people that were close to me that I had something that needed to be looked at a little bit deeper, you know, nothing was I wasn't a bad person, the things I was doing, were hurting myself and others, but I realized that I was just a sick person. And I needed help. So that was, you know, the end of the road was me finally asking for help. I finally letting down that mask of trying to be strong and trying to be so fucking cool. And you know, at the end, I, I asked for help, and I, I went into a 12 step recovery program. And then I finally got some clarity on how much was happening under the surface, you know, my alcoholism was a symptom of the problem, you know, and, and the problem was the way I was living my life and the way I was thinking, and and so I started the journey in that 12 Step Program, and a lot was revealed about the way my beliefs were affecting my reality. And so, I love how 12 Step programs are kind of a, a distillation of a bunch of different basically spiritual ideas. All in one, and it has the potential, I think, to create a new reality for someone. A lot of people call it in the 12 step recovery rooms, a spiritual awakening. And I was awakened to a new way of life. And it uncovered a lot of things that I got to work on, you know, they, they refer to them as character defects. And, you know, I, I don't particularly love that term, I think of them as opportunities for growth. And so I just, I uncovered, what was going on, and how I want it to be. And kind of the reoccurring patterns that were in my thoughts. It gave me like, this flashlight, that I got to kind of shine over my entire life and be like, Wow, that was, that was really great. And that was really not great. But, you know, that being said, talking about like, good or bad. I sometimes use like air quotes when I'm saying them now. Because I, I've found in my recovery process, that some of the things that were really hard and I thought were really bad, were actually some of the greatest blessings that I ever received, like, my attempt at suicide was the best blessing that could ever have happened to me because it it shined a light on the parts of me that really needed to be healed. And now I just get to do that one day at a time. And, and I get to start rewiring, basically, my brain and how it works. And using all of these tools, these spiritual tools that now I I offer to others, I practice them in my life, and they're what is available to me now when, especially when shit gets hard. It's like, you know, luckily today, I don't think about picking up a drink. I think about oh my gosh, I need to call somebody, or oh my gosh, I need to sit down on my yoga, yoga mat and, you know, do a practice or meditate or pray to this higher power that I was really closed off to for a really long time. That in this recovery process, I've got to I've gotten to cultivate a relationship with this energy of love that I think is all around us all that we can you know, we can tap into and, and feel like everything's gonna be okay. Even when it it's hard.
Katie Kay
Yeah, a frame from listening to your story, how you went through kind of this dark night of this soul moment and you had, I mean, you've been through so much so much pain and, and heartache and it's really inspiring to hear you talk about those as well. opportunities. And I've recently been getting more into spirituality and just hearing that kind of message of our struggles, if we're able to face them as this is really an opportunity to learn. And on the other side, you are becoming a more truthful version of who you are and, and connecting to more of that part that you just call you and that kind of essence of love that you're talking about. And I also love how you're talking about just like taking it one step at a time and knowing that what you what you have to do, like you have all these tools in your toolbox. And I think that that's really amazing. A message because even if myself or or one of the listeners hasn't been through some of those really big struggles that you've been through Jenna, we all have the availability to give ourselves permission to do exactly what we need to take care of ourselves. And it's a it's like giving yourself permission. That is not the standard of society, right?
Jenna Neubauer
Yeah, yeah, exactly. I had to do so much letting go. Because I was so attached to being a wife. And being a mother, that, you know, I was, I was engaged twice to two people that are very, you know, they're wonderful people that, but we weren't the right fit. And I was trying to force it with all of my might, you know, the clock was ticking. I was, I was 30 years old. And I was like, I'm running at a time. And I had to let all of that shit go and realize that, you know, maybe, just maybe, can I be okay with not being either of those things in this lifetime.
Katie Kay
And it goes back to kind of what you're talking about the good and bad, and just like, we put so many labels, right and wrong, and you are able to, like, step back from that, and really give yourself that perspective of like, what, like, what is this life even mean? And what yeah, what is time? What is the timeline, you know, and it's so hard to step back from just kind of the hole that society has put us in and, and I don't even like to, like, bring in that kind of broader term of society, because it if feels like a more blame or I don't know, for some reason, it kind of makes me feel like a little judgy. But it's just kind of like, of course, we've set up cultural norms and ideals. And it's just like how humans function, we like to have kind of a standards. But the missing link, I think, that we have is just not really understanding or having the perspective that we don't all have to fit into that, like, it's a good model to have to look at. But it's doesn't, it doesn't give us any kind of right or wrong, and how we fit into all of it.
Jenna Neubauer
When I was like steps away from having all of the the things on my invisible timeline checked off, like, you know, this last time I was engaged, and I had just moved back to Park City, you know, in the process of pretty much buying a home. And then, you know, wanting to have a family right after that, in that moment. I I really, my intuition came in really strong and was like, this isn't what you thought all along, wasn't it? Like, I wasn't happy. And and so the intuition, like you were, like we were talking about earlier, I think is our best guide because when we're going against our truth You know, it's that feeling of contentment and bliss was just unavailable. It's, it's something that I think, is really hard to fake for a long time. Yeah, yeah.
Katie Kay
And then we kind of, we can so easily then fall into what you were talking about earlier is like the distractions and the addiction, yes. And coping, coping and all of those things that we end up we can end up in that really dark place you Yeah, but, but those amazing tools of connecting to your intuition and what you're talking about and what you what you teach as a guide. Anything like that source of just being able to connect to that place over and over again, really does build this amazing, like amazing place inside you that it can't be broken. And it's just like, it's just truth. Like what you're saying. It's just like the truth of who you are. Yeah. And I guess maybe if you can talk a little bit about that, and what you see with your clients and the people that you work with, do you see that transformation where they can really open up this space in their internal world? And does that reflect back in to like, their relationship with their bodies and their relationship to food? And, and just like, kind of more of those external elements in life?
Jenna Neubauer
Yeah. So I am, I'm pretty new, on the recovery on my recovery journey with food. I just started, see how many 12 Step programs I can get myself in in this lifetime. Shit. But I started a 12 step program for my eating disorder about five months ago, now. So I'm pretty new with like, sharing more openly with that, and, and helping people specifically that for that, but in general, you know, one thing that pops into my mind, you know, I went through my yoga teacher training when I was living in Houston, at this place called Yoga one that was just like, I knew, I knew that I wanted to become a yoga teacher. And I guess I'll back up for one second, because I think this part is, is really important. But, you know, when I when I first was trying to get sober, I, you know, I was still in a relationship with someone that it was just like, you know, a twin flame type of tumultuous on and off and just heartbreak and then like, so gray and then heartbreak and, and so it was like a roller coaster, and I was unable to really make my sobriety my number one, because he was still my number one. And so I found that I had to remove myself completely. You know, I was, I was living in Park City at the time, and I quit my job. And I ended my relationship. And I moved to Texas, I asked for help from my sister and my family and was like, I need, I need more. I need, I need to make this my my priority out, or else I'm going to, I'm not going to make it. You know, I was relapsing and drinking secretively. And I think we are all as sick as our secrets. And so I went to Texas, and I got certified to teach yoga. And I remember, you know, feeling some relief from the constant battle with my body and thinking that food was the enemy, you know, and then starting to see my body as a vessel, and a beautiful creation by spirit, individual and unique and, and so I felt like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna, I'm going to get some healing from this because when I put down alcohol, my eating disorder came back with a vengeance. And so I remember, part of the yoga teacher training I took was Seva, or like giving back, serve service. And I went to this treatment center in this pretty sketchy neighborhood in Houston. I was like, you know, this little white girl just out of place and getting a lot of looks. And so I went to this treatment center, which is at this house, and it was a bunch of young black men. Some off the streets. And I kind of I didn't know what I was getting into. But I'm really glad that I chose this place to teach yoga to do my service work because I will never forget after one of the first classes, you know, we were shoved in this little living room pushing the couches back and I'm thinking like, you know, looking at the floor, try not to be judgmental about like, oh, I don't know, but um, so I remember this young man coming up to me and saying, you know, like, Thank you, John. I don't even remember what I was worrying about earlier. And I thought, this has a lot of potential to, you know, do small things. I mean, in, in all reality, they're kind of big things to like stress relief, you know, a lot of us are really stressed every day, and that wreaks havoc on the body. And so this guy saying this, to me was kind of like, a wink from the universe, like, keep going, girl, you know, like, don't worry. More people, more people could benefit from this. So keep sharing. So I started, you know, just teaching and watching people come into the space, and even just seen a little more brightness in their eyes afterwards. And the journey with that, I mean, I've seen lots of people shift subtly, you know, in the way that they carry themselves, and, you know, the smile, and just like the lightness about them. And I've seen some, some bigger shifts to, you know, people feeling inspired and connected and making those little changes that create, you know, big, big changes in their life, and overtime. And recently, I had, this friend of mine brought her eight year old daughter, her third grade daughter into my Sunday yoga class where I do the warm flow. And at the end, we do a meditation called Yoga Nidra. And then I play my song bowls. And the woman, first off, this girl was just, this eight year old girl was doing side coreau And just rocking it and having so much fun, like, she had no fear in her arm balances, and she was just, you know, I think, I think it's important that we all kind of embrace that inner child sometimes and just have fun and not take life so seriously. And so afterwards, her mom sent me a text, and a photo of her at home doing yoga afterwards. And she said, you know, her daughter said to her, Miss Jenna, reset my brain. And when are we going to go back to another yoga class. And so I just felt so touched and so honored to be, you know, holding space for people to experience whatever they need, maybe it's stress relief, maybe they want they're asked to look better, whatever it is, they get people that gets people on their yoga mat, or into a circle or a space of healing. You know, like, I don't care what it is, but you know, let that be your guiding light and and just wait for the the miracles to happen. Because it it will.
Katie Kay
Yeah, I think like the all of what you offer those, the sound healing, the bowls are amazing. I had never actually experienced that before until I took Jenna's class, like a month ago. And it was like a whole nother level. That's pretty wild. Right? It feels so good. And the body and I like, I mean, I kind of go into everything a little skeptical, like unsure. And then like, I mean, if you get if I get the results, like there's just not really like I can't really deny it, right. And so it's just like, yeah, that sound healing in itself. And, and you also do the Reiki healing as well as part of your energy work. Yeah, yeah. So all of those modalities, kind of like helping people come back into like, what eight year old girls like, just like resetting our brains, like coming back home to ourselves.
Jenna Neubauer
Yeah, yeah, it's fun to kind of explore these healing modalities, these wellness modalities that are finally starting to get a little traction in like the mainstream media. And, yeah, sure, there's some there's studies now that you know, that are coming from different hospitals that are allowing Reiki practitioners to come in and help people with their healing. You know, energy healing is such a great modality, especially very complementary to physical healing. You know, when someone's going through cancer treatment, or you know, anything, healing wise, and it's fun to kind of, do the research if you're that type of And that wants to know. And it's also kind of fun to just let go and just trust it and just see, you just feel what's happening. And notice what the changes are, you know, in your, in your life after maybe you go to a Reiki session and, and you don't actually feel anything during the session, which happens a lot. But afterwards, maybe you notice that you're a little less reactive, or you're a little more in tune with nature on your next walk, and maybe you're sleeping a little better. And, and so I think it's cool to just let it be, and not try to, like figure it out so much. Because, you know, I, I sometimes over research stuff because people ask me questions like, What is Reiki? How does it work? What is sound healing? How does it work? And, and I've done a bit of research, and I've done some trainings, and I don't really know. I just trust it. Yeah, I've just learned to kind of like, trust it and stop figuring it out. Because that's where I find a lot of my trouble is when I get stuck in my head, when I really want to live in my heart space, and all the modalities that I offer now and that I've learned from other people and benefited from helped me with that journey from my head to my heart, where I feel more at peace and more acceptance, you know, less resistance, less attachment, less judgment, like all of those, that place of love, basically, as corny as it sounds.
Katie Kay
Like, this is gonna sound really cool. I love there's love with it. It's the yogi's. But it's yeah, it's so true. And I think you're absolutely right in the science and in all of the proof that we need to convince ourselves that these things are exactly what we need. I think in 10 years, somebody is gonna listen to this episode and probably have a smile on their face. Because then be like this is we know and every you know, we all use these kind of practices because like, there's just knew what they were talking about. Exactly. That's what I hope. I really hope they're saying that, but because yeah, I hope that it 10 years. I mean, we already know, like, mindfulness research is like, it's 10 years ago to now like it's just expanded insane, insane. But what you're talking about is like healing the body. And there's just proof in the trust what you're talking about, if we allow ourselves to bring in a sense of curiosity, and bring in a sense of wonder and amazement, I mean, I look outside my window, and I look at the mountains. And sometimes I'm just like, what, like, where am I living? Like, I know, that sounds so silly, but like, I think the brain is just so tricky, and the way that it's it keeps us in the comfortable. And in that way, it has an answer for everything, and it's efficiency. But if you can't, if you're able to just kind of like have this sense of childlike wonder and curiosity, it's like, oh my gosh, the amazement of nature and how it functions and the planet that we live on and our bodies like that, the insane the insane vessel that we live in, and like all the components that are interacting, without us thinking about it, you know, just that automatic function and how everything is like the organs and how this helps this and like it's just like in wild and insane and, and sometimes I have to remind myself that like, I don't know, I don't know a fraction of anything really and and so that just like kind of thinking about that allows me to be open to more things and go to an aesthetic dance. Big glass workshop would when I'm uncomfortable and just like yeah, it's it's good. It's good to step aside from the ego and and kind of tap into your higher self a little bit and to open up to some of those amazing like amazing things. I think we all need that that healing.
Jenna Neubauer
We are miracIe Ulus you know creations and I love how our bodies are so intelligent and so intuitive. That's something I say the start of every Reiki session that I give is, you know I am but a channel, your body is going to know exactly what to do with this energy this spiritually guided divine lifeforce energy. It's so intelligent and intuitive, it's going to do exactly what it needs to do, and just help your body function at its optimal level. Because that's what it knows how to do, which is sometimes need a little help.
Katie Kay
Exactly. Exactly. And talking about just the amazing function of the body I want to go back into the the food the eating and and I saw on your Instagram you Do you also like post on unhealthy eating and supplying the body with nutrients and, and so just learning now about your recovery and the and the 12 step and the healthy eating? Like how has that journey like for you, I mean, going from just having that disconnection from food and the bulimia and anorexia, and oh my gosh, the struggle and pain involved with that, and your recovery now, like how has this evolved, and maybe if a listener is having a struggle relationship with food, like maybe there's some things that you can point out to guide them into something that is, is healthier and more more connection with with what we're putting into our bodies, I would
Jenna Neubauer
love to. So like I said, a little bit earlier, when I put down the drink, my eating disorder just came back with like, like a monster that had been hibernating, and was like, so fucking hungry. But that manifested it in, like, not eating hardly at all. So I probably dropped like 15 pounds in my first couple weeks of sobriety. And, and, and I held on to that feeling of control for a really long time until, until, you know, like a lot of unhealthy tools, behaviors, addictions, they kind of stopped working, in my experience after an amount of time, and maybe that is source coming in and saying, you know, it's time to look at this, it's time to peel back the next layer of the onion. But I think if someone is out there that struggling with food or their relationship to their body, you know, they could really just ask themselves, if they feel like, you know, it's negatively impacting any part of their life. And if it is, then maybe it's time to get connected with a community that is has experienced or is experiencing what they are, because they find that that community aspect, that feeling of like not being alone is so is so freeing, you know, it it it sometimes takes a village, you know, I it took a long time for me to accept that I needed help with my eating disorder because I was already like, well, I stopped drinking isn't that enough? Or I stopped doing? You know, I took I went on a man ban. I haven't been in a relationship for like a year and a half. And now you want me to you know, look at my food stuff too. Because that goes back I think, to the beginning, you know, before relationships before alcohol. And so it took it took enough pain and uncomfortability I think I had had enough. And so I was finally like, Okay, I had a friend, actually a friend that we have in common. And I asked her and I'm like I I need, I need help I need to and I really want to love my body. And I want to feel freedom around food. I don't want to think about you know, in the morning, what I ate yesterday and feel shameful around that and allow that to dominate when I work out and you know why I work out? You know, and so I joined a 12 step fellowship. And I did all the things that I did when I when I quit drinking. Thanks If there's a roadmap, and maybe 12 Step programs aren't for, you know, the listener, or maybe they are, but you don't know until you try. So I connected right in with this group. And they showed me the way and I started to uncover the, the, I guess, the root. In this program, they talk about the Iceberg Theory, you know, above water, you have your, you know, behaviors and your reactions and the substances and, and underneath is really the, the core though and at the center is I found self hatred. So, it was just a process of learning how to love my body exactly the way it is, and not want to be a size zero. Because I, I don't think I meant to be you know, it was a process of throwing out old clothes that I wanted to fit into, like, oh, maybe, you know, I'm one stomach flu away from my perfect way. Like, it's kind of a you know, looking back, it's a, it's, it was the way I thought. But I went to a nutritionist, and I learned that I didn't have to overcomplicate my relationship with food, I had all of these foods that were in the no or bad category, and all the foods are in the Yes, category, you know, not very many of them, and not very much of them. So it felt really good to go in. I had a lot of resistance, going to a nutritionist, because I was like, you know, I restricted for so long, and I was underweight for so long. And now, you know, when I went in I, I was over eating a bit, you know, as a coping mechanism. And, and I wasn't ready for someone to tell me, Oh, you have to eat this, you can't eat this, you have to weigh this, like, my brain was on overdrive going into that appointment. And when I went in, she simply said, eat three meals a day with a protein event and a carb and have a couple snacks. And, and I was blown away. And I realized, like, wow, I can, I can have a piece of cake and not feel like a piece of shit afterwards. And, and so it was a really slow process in the beginning. And I'm finally feeling better. I don't on a scale. I don't go on diets. And I'm, I'm just really I'm on step 10. In this program right now, and I'm, I'm feeling some freedom around my relationship with my body and food and realizing that, you know, I'm, I'm perfect, just the way I am in my bodies, fluctuations even in the way my clothes fit, like, doesn't determine who I am. And so it's just a process of relearning. And I feel like,
Katie Kay
yeah, I love how you're just talking about, if you're looking at your relationship with food or anything in your life. And there's something negative. Like, you always have the option to then decide will do I want to heal this part, or do I want to hold on to it. And it's okay, either one. But when you're willing to look at it, then you have the choice, and then you have the empowerment. And if you're wanting to move in a direction of healing, I love how you offered of looking to a community and having a support system for me and healing my relationship with food. It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't had people outside of my life helping me. And I think like we all think we can, we can do it all ourselves. We all have our own strength and willpower and motivation and complete capability. And I also believe that's the ego trying to keep us in the comfortable and take over the risk of trying to look at something really uncomfortable. And so it's a process I think that's all kind of a process and, and so it's really cool that you you ended up really facing like some of those deeper parts of the iceberg analogy of feeling that self hatred and sabotaging it with your abuse and food and, and being able to look at that and move through it, it's, it's really amazing just to to be able to tell your story and then people are willing then maybe more willing to look at their own their own relationship with food. And I also just wanted to make the point that for me and healing my relationship to food, like I can relate to the iceberg analogy, I love that. And it really wasn't about the food, right, it was about the the underlying emotions and I was looking to food took care of my emotional state. And so in that it actually does give a little bit more freedom. And the simplicity of eating food is just food, right? It's, it's this beautiful nutrients that we can give into our body. But we can't look at it as this beautiful and gratitude, place of nutrients, if we are still holding on to some of those, like really deep fears and emotions and pain, and we're looking to food to cure it. So if you don't have a deep sense of gratitude for the food that you're putting in your body, that's okay. Like I was in that place for a really long time. And I still work at it every day to be able to sit with my food and be mindful and be grateful for it. Because it's like, it's a new way of thinking and, but I have cleared the space to be able to do that. But I wouldn't have been able to do that a few years ago. I yeah, I was existing and my deeper fears. And I was I was I was attached on to the food in that way. So yeah,
Jenna Neubauer
yeah, I think so much boils down to our deepest fears. You know, I definitely learned a lot about myself throughout these last, like six years of recovery and you know, from from alcoholism, newer now with my anorexia and bulimia but yeah, our fears are, I think are are what, where we can get a lot of information. And sometimes I like, I work with other people in the recovery community on a one on one basis, just being of service and getting out of myself and giving back because I definitely feel like I was given a priceless gift, like a second chance at life. So you know, one exercise that I think anyone could do, no matter what, even if they're, maybe they don't identify as struggling with anything right now. They can do the the fear exercise that I have these women do and you know, you just write down a fear. And then you go a couple layers deeper. You know, like, I have a fear of getting fat. Why? Because it will make me unlovable. Why? Because why am I afraid of being unlovable? Because I don't want to be alone. You know, and just going through your fears like that. And maybe there's some more layers to go five layers deep. But, you know, I think a lot of my behavior has been driven by my deepest fears of not feeling good enough. And, you know, being alone. And, you know, one thing that has really, really helped me that I was so opposed to before recovery is connecting in with with a higher power. And when I was growing up, I went to church, a Lutheran church, my mom and my sister and and I remember like, wanting to connect so badly like sitting on the edge of the Pew by the middle of the aisle, you know, and like, probably, they're probably like, Who's this creepy little redheaded girl? And I'm just like, smiling at every person that walks by cuz I so wanted attention. I still wanted to be loved and, and seen. And so I realized now they look back. I'm like, Oh, I was, you know, craving that from everybody around me. But there was this higher power Our, that was always around me, that could be like, my imaginary friend, basically, or my biggest fucking cheerleader, you know, and that's what my, my relationship with, with spirit has evolved into is just a friend that is always supporting and encouraging and, and is never going to leave, and I'm never going to be alone. And, and, you know, this, this idea of spirituality I think can be so beautiful and such an individual journey. And I was encouraged to find a higher power of my understanding, and I thought I had to conform to organized religion my entire life. And and that sent me in the other direction. I was like, No thanks, I don't resonate with this, or I don't resonate with this, but now I, I resonate with a power greater than myself that I get to kind of relax into, and kind of let go of some of those fears and let go of some of that control. And, and it's that power that reminds me that everything is happening for me in some way. You know, even the parts that seem quote unquote, bad, or maybe even horrific. Like, how is this happening? For me spirit, I'm just kind of getting quiet and listening. And one of the biggest things I've learned from doing that is that I get to now share whatever I've been through, that's been hard, and maybe help others, you know, because vulnerability just is contagious. So
Katie Kay
I'm so glad that you brought that up. In my life, I've been, like I said earlier, I've been also looking into expanding my spiritual growth. And I think I did have this deep fear that spirituality was religion. And I don't know why, like, I was never religious growing up. I think, like, some people have some strong opinions about it. And so I don't know, I always kind of avoided it. But then I found some people like Gabby Bernstein, I love her books and her work and and I just, yeah, I love the idea of not having to rely on your own strength all the time. Yeah. And settling into this place, like you can let go and feel a sense of safety. And I love how you're talking about like, you can talk to that part as your best friend. And I do that. I mean, I talked to myself, certainly I'll be like, I'm talking to myself all the time. Like when I'm putting away my laundry and, but But it's yeah, it's like, anyway, but when I'm, yeah, I do the same exact thing. It's like a cheerleader, like, somebody that's got your back. And you're like, Okay, we got this, like, Let's go girl, you know? And it's like, yeah, dream big. Yeah. But it's as cheesy as it sounds, it's so helpful. And also, in therapy. Right now I'm working through ifs, which is internal family systems. And, and so I talk to those little parts I have, well, we all have different parts of ourselves. And so I can talk to that specific part in me. And that is just, I mean, the whole, I don't want to go too deep into it. But I do think that when we start to advocate for ourselves and talk to ourselves, or talk to, you know, a higher self or feel that sense of safety within, not just always having to rely on your own strength and rely on the strength of spirituality, or the universe, or your higher self, whatever you want, you know, your own understanding of what that means to you. I just think it's like this whole new level of support system that, like, I don't know why I was so afraid of it before and being like, oh my gosh, like, the strides that I have made in my own self care and my own compassion and myself in the way that I talked to myself. It's like, it has uplifted my life. And I mean, starting that podcast, like that was like something I'd never thought I would do and like so uncomfortable. It was. I mean, it was like those kind of strides that I don't have to just like rely on my own self to be like, I'm, I got to do this interview. Like, you know, it's scary and It's like, oh my gosh, like, we got this girl, like, let's do this. And I know the universe has my back. And I know I've got my own back. And I know I'm just also like, riffing on this topic. But thank you for bringing that up. Because I do, I think it's a whole nother have part of our wellness that if you haven't explored it, like, get ready, because it can totally change the whole game.
Jenna Neubauer
Absolutely. My life is so much different than it was before. I feel like a sense of ease and comfort that I used to get from, you know, drinking, and, you know, restricting. Now when I connect in with my higher power, I feel like that sense of, everything's gonna be okay. You know, and there's so many ways to explore spirituality. You know, one of the things that helped me that I, I like to share is that I went to go see a psychic and a medium when I first got into recovery, and, you know, I thought, I was pretty convinced that when we died, we, you know, and this is all just my truth and my understanding, like, we were done, you know, and my, my psychic, her name is Jeanette, if you want to look her up in Park City, she's amazing. But she's really hard to get into so book early. She brought through my grandfather, and gave me messages from him that no one could have told me before. And, you know, my, my grandma, and grandpa, my dad's side had Siamese twins in like the 40s, when it was really rare for them to survive. And, and they didn't survive, I think they lived like three or four days, you know, try to separate them and, and lost them. And I can imagine the grief and pain my grandmother was going through. And Grandfather, but he came through with a message. And I think this helped me, you know, be open to spirituality. He said, I'm in heaven with the twins. And all as well, you know, and, and I thought holy shit, maybe, maybe my soul is eternal. And maybe death isn't the end. And it just broke down that wall of fear around death and dying and, and my relationship with spirit. And it kind of it this experience and some other activity, like exercises around developing a relationship with my higher power like drawing my higher power. I drew like this fractal basically. And I thought of like, I envisioned this fractal, like being at the center, like this source energy, this infinite, eternal energy. And then each of us be in like, these beautiful fractals, these snowflakes have this hole, and that we're all eternal to because we're part of that. So that's one of the big experiences that was like, Wow, maybe I don't know, everything about death and dying and God and, and life after death. So yeah, that was a cool one.
Katie Kay
Yeah. And none of us know. Right? Like, we don't know if that's the funny part is just like, people pushing those kinds of ideas off because what, like, told you differently, right? Like, nobody knows. So that's the fun and amazing way that we can open up our minds by just like listening to you, Jenna, do it just like, like, why not talk about it and explore and it's like, great, I kind of my mentality with is like, whatever is makes me feel good and feel aligned. Like why wouldn't I believe that? Like it just, I mean, it's just uplifting my whole life. So that's my kind of direction with it. But yeah, I'm really interested in this next question to ask you because you're so expansive, and being able to, like all these different modalities and your whole journey through recovery. I mean, I'm just really curious, what are the wellness practices that you bring into your daily routine? And maybe right now, it's more focused on the 12 step recovery with the Have your relationship to food, but are there some kind of staples that you use that you rely on? And I just asked for all of us just to, you know, gain some more inspiration, and I love hearing what what other people are doing in their daily practice?
Jenna Neubauer
Absolutely. So I've realized that, you know, there's all of these different tools that we've been talking about, and, and, you know, I, I don't know, if I just get bored easily, or I'm just, you know, rebellious in a way, and I want to, I don't want, I don't want to be so structured all the time. So I, I've been trying to be really kind and gentle with myself around my routine with my different spiritual tools that helped me and kind of allowing that to be more fluid. But I do find that, you know, it's just a practice and these routines eventually feel more like rituals, and, and the rituals feel more enjoyable as time goes by. So, I definitely am a big advocate of meditation. I can say that I've been practicing for about six years now. I used to think I was meditating when I get like, you know, I, I'd be on drugs, like somewhere and I'd be like, feeling all spiritual and shit. And I don't know, if I don't think I was really meditating, I don't know, maybe in a small way. But now, with a clearer mind, I feel like I'm, I'm really able to harness that power, even more of just, you know, it changes for me on a day to day basis, maybe I do. Five minutes, maybe I do 25 minutes. I am also kind of a go hard, go all the way type of person at times. And so I did a vipassana retreat, a 10 day silent meditation retreat, which I, I definitely recommend, but it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. So if you're a meditation lover, I would say just get really rooted in your routine before you go into something like that, because I really wasn't. So now, you know, I've settled into the knowing that, you know, two hours of meditation is, is not what I'm going to be doing every day. And that's okay. So, I'm a big advocate of meditation, however, you want to do it for me, I gotta keep it fresh. So I invite in mantras are little phrases. A lot of times in Sanskrit, I think there's a lot of power behind those ancient words. That vibration can really help bring in energy of your intention, whatever it is, right now I'm using the Ganesh mantra on GM gonna play in Omaha, because I'm moving to Hawaii in a couple of months. And I am trying to get out of my own way with some fears around housing and relocating and job and things like that. So I like to use mala beads as well and say, you know, a mantra or take a breath on each bead. That's also an ancient practice in Hindu cultures, and what else i i really like getting on my yoga mat. I'm more of like a gentle Yin you know, Forrest on usara type of Yogi, I will get in a hot room and sweat my balls off every once in a while, but it's not really my jam every day. So I just tried to listen to my body and get really clear now on my motivation behind why I'm doing something. And besides that, I just, you know, I really like getting into a space of free expression, whether that be singing or playing an instrument or dancing or journaling, and just letting some of that energy go, maybe going for a walk on Um, and yeah, just kind of checking in with myself on a daily basis, because I think each day is a little different. And we can reach into our toolbox and select the tool that helps us feel the best each day.
Katie Kay
That's beautiful. Thank you, Jana, and thanks for sharing all of those practices. And thank you so much for being here. I mean, I just think your openness and your vulnerability is such a gift that you've given us today. So I thank you so much for sharing. And I will put all of your information and contact so that people can can look you up. And if they want to book a session with you. We'll have all of that. And it's amazing that you're moving to Hawaii. I had no idea but you'll be missed in the Park City community for sure. But yeah, thank you so much for being here today.
Jenna Neubauer
Absolutely. Yes. Been a pleasure to sit with you. And thank you so much for creating this podcast and sharing your authentic self and opening up and being vulnerable and encouraging other people to do the same.
Katie Kay
Thank you. Thank you for saying that means a lot. Thank you listeners so much for being with us today. I know your time is precious. So really appreciate you showing up for yourself and your body, your mind and your spirit. I will see you all next week
