63. Kundalini Yoga / Charisma Whitefeather
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Charisma Whitefeather helps people to find emotional balance, inner strength and powerful joy with Kundalini Yoga. After dealing with her own struggles with PMDD, severe depression, anger and anxiety, she started looking for solutions that would help her find balance and joy within her life. Now she shares all that she has learned that helped her break free with her community, because as she says "life's too short to be miserable".
Episode Topics
Her personal story - dealing with anger & rage.
How she found Kundalini Yoga.
What awakened within herself.
What is Kundalini Yoga?
Why are you so passionate about Kundalini Yoga?
Emotional Balance
What is PMDD?
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Katie Kay Graham
charisma. I am just so delighted to have you on body breaking free podcast today.
Charisma Whitefeather
Thank you so much for having me here. I am so excited to talk and chat with you and go deep.
Katie Kay Graham
Oh, go deep. I love it. charisma and I met I took this Kundalini was a really short workshop. But I just fell in love with her and fell in love with Kundalini yoga. And I only know just like the tip of the iceberg of this whole beautiful practice. So I'm really excited to talk about Kundalini and all your amazing work charisma. Just I knew you're just gonna be so fun to talk to. So yeah, it's just gonna be Yeah, I know. It's gonna be a great conversation. Yes, no pressure. Yeah, no pressure. I totally. There's no perfection. Perfectionism needed on the blog guys, though, literally no pressure. So yeah, let's dive in first, your own personal story, like, what happened to create this journey for you to really dive into Kundalini Yoga specifically, and we can just kind of start with that. And then we'll get more into your work and your business?
Charisma Whitefeather
Yes, I'd love to share that. Well, what happened was a lot of darkness. So I had a lot of I didn't know, well, let me say I didn't know I had a lot of darkness in my life. I was, I went to college, I did the thing. Then I got an internship in New York at a magazine. I was living the life going to Fashion Week, you know, living that Sex in the City lifestyle. And I'm like, Okay, I have everything. I'm living in a best neighborhood in Brooklyn, in Park Slope. This is it, I made it. But on the inside, I felt so miserable. I was like, what? What's going on? And I started like, trying to you know, I started finding some meditation, things how to meditate because I'm like, well, maybe this is it. And then I moved to Los Angeles. And that's when my big, dark night of the soul happened. Because after living on that high in New York City, nobody wanted to hire me. And I really had to rethink my whole life. Like when I went to college, I did all the right things. What is happening? Why is my life so horrible? Why am I so miserable? Why do I hate myself so much? So really, la just really put me into that, that deep dive down into the well of darkness. And that's when I noticed, oh, wait a minute. My life isn't all awesome. I have a lot of stuff in my mind. That makes me miserable. I have a lot of self hate. And I had depression then here in LA, years of depression, anxiety, total social anxiety. Absolutely. And then huge anger issues. I'm in the I am still thank goodness in that same relationship with the most loving partner on the planet. But I had these rage and anger issues. So there was so much coming up. And I'm like, wait, I'm this super positive, happy person, what's going on? So that just took me on a deep dive on a healing journey. That's how I found everything Kundalini Yoga, how I got more into meditation, how I became more of myself, so and that's why I'm here. Yeah.
Katie Kay Graham
Yeah, I think I mean, I think a lot of people have a similar story. It's like, when we get into that place of really bad, deep darkness that you're talking about, that wakes us up, and what you're talking about, you're like, wait a minute, and you knew that something was wrong. And I think that point is really profound. Because it's that point that we really hit that radical honesty with ourselves. And we can look really perfect on the outside and everything's great. And we can be super grateful for everything that we have. But that doesn't necessarily mean that the internal is going to reflect the exact same. And I can totally relate to that charisma. And I just think that when we live by the external rules and looking outside of ourselves for so long, over and over and over again, which is what we're told to do, you know, that's like this society norm. It can just wear and tear us down because really what guides us and helps us align with our higher self and our true path is actually the internal we actually have to go inside and really connect to Well who is Chrisman? Who is Katie Kay, and what do they want? You know, and so yeah, I think a lot of the listeners can probably relate to that same thing. And so how did that happen? When you transition? You're just feeling that darkness that state of depression and anger and rage, which oh my gosh, like it all All lives inside. If we're not showing our rage and anger, then it can just get trapped and almost like shoved down deep into the body. But how did that happen when you were like, Okay, this is going on? And now how am I going to heal myself? And what is that next right step for me to really start this journey of being honest with myself and begin that healing process?
Charisma Whitefeather
Yeah, when I was in that deep, dark night of the soul when I noticed something's wrong, right? That's that thing like, something's wrong. There has to be more to life. That was my thing. Like there has to be more than this. So it was like, well, what could it be? What is going on? And I started listening to any kind of self hypnosis on YouTube, any kind of talk about depression, anxiety, anger, everything that was going on, like, Why am I always so angry at my partner? Like all these things, like I just went down this Google rabbit search hole, and I started, you know, finding these little things like, oh, somebody said, Follow your bliss. And I'm, like, follow my bliss. What the heck does that even mean? And I'm like, well, and then you know, they did this thing where you journal What did you like to do as a kid or as a teenager? I'm like, Oh, I love to dance. I love to dance that just lights me up. And I'm like, Well, okay, if dancing is it? What can I do? How can I bring more dance into my life? And so I like looked around, like, what? Where can I go dancing here that isn't like a club. Because, you know, I'm also I'm like, I don't drink. So I don't want to go to those party places. So there's like ecstatic dance. I'm like, Oh, that's interesting. This is sober dancing thing where people take their shoes off, and you just get to dance however you want to. I'm like, Okay, I could try that. And then I just started incorporating, like, what is the other thing and what really happened on this journey when I was living my mom's life? Right? She's the one who like, loves the whole fashion, and the Sex and the City and all of these things. And I'm like, Well, who am I? Who am I? And so it was an uncovering. unpeeling of who am i Oh, I like to dance. Who am I will I'm a little bit vibrant, and loud. And I remember my mom always telling me, you know, don't be so loud, you're already seen, you know, people can already see you. So you shouldn't be so loud. And so I had this thing that I hated myself for being so loud and outspoken. And you know, just just the way I am just the way you can notice how I am right now. I just want it to be this cute. Short, I'm really tall. I'm like, 511, I'm six foot, I want to be the shoe, this cute, short, soft spoken girl, you know, who's just so mysterious, and, and everybody just wants her up. That's where I want it to be. And so on my healing journey, I noticed how I was denying parts of myself to be loved. I thought I had to be this way to be loved. So I'm like, wait, well, what if I just love who I really am. And just accept that this is just me. And some people are just going to really hate me for who I am. And that's fine. And there's others who are just going to be like, Oh, I love charisma. She's so bubbly. And she's so all of that. So beginning to love myself and uncover that and starting to follow my bliss, and then kind of unfolding and just following that breadcrumb trail, right. Sometimes we think we need to know, oh, if I do this, then that's it. But actually, it's about just doing one thing at a time. And then following that, and that takes you into curve, it curves you around, it swirls you up and brings you back down. But that is the path of healing, just keeping that going one step after the other sometimes not knowing where it's gonna lead you. And then suddenly, years later, you're like, Wow, I'm here. Hello, everybody. Yeah.
Katie Kay Graham
I love you so much. Great explanation. I love that like the curling and the path. And it really gives us permission to not feel like it needs to be right, or it should or it needs to be or what you said, we need to know exactly where it's leading us. I get stuck in that all the time. I try to map everything out in my head like this will lead to this. And then this, this, this and then I'll be happy and successful in life is going to be the most brilliant thing. But the the truth of the matter is, is life is the most brilliant thing right now. It's a miracle that we're alive in this moment. And you just saying that charisma just brings me back into that place. And it really allows me to just have permission where it's like the journey is exactly what it's meant to be. It will lead you down the exact path that you're meant to go. And I think that's really just lets me sink into whatever like wherever it takes me it needs to go and And I don't have to put so much pressure on like the step by step like this is happening here. And then it'll take me here and I'll have it all figured out. And so it shows in the in the way that your journey evolved into who you are now, which I just think that you've you shine your light, and I watched you on Instagram, and it's really fun to see people that are just being themselves and just totally in that essence. And I think that that is such a more fierce place to be such kind of a higher calling to be in that place. Because, of course, like, you're not gonna not everybody's gonna love you, right? And if you're being a shy girl, where it's like, perfect, it's like, yeah, okay, maybe the mass of people totally love you. But the great thing about you, charisma is like the people that see that in you and really just need that light into their lives. Like that. That's life changing, right? That's just like, will change my attitude of the day, I saw one of your reels, and it was just like, you're like going on a walk, and you're talking to yourself in your headphones, and you're like, well just have your headphones in, because then you won't look like you're actually talking to yourself, you look like you're talking to somebody on the phone. And it just like totally lit up my whole morning and just put a smile on my face. And, and yeah, that's what it is. That's that fierce conviction that I think all of us actually in our souls truth we're really looking to tap into. And so I'm wondering how Kundalini Yoga really integrated into that journey for you. What was it that you found Kundalini? And then was it like, immediately, like, Oh, this is something I really want to jump into? Or did you feel some sort of benefit or some kind of enlightened maybe connecting to that bliss state that you were like, This is something I really want to pursue? Oh, boy,
Charisma Whitefeather
my Kundalini journey. So first of all, thank you for for seeing my light. And it's the thing that I believe that, you know, when we shine our light, however, we are in our authentic way you out there in your authentic way, you know, it doesn't have to be like loud and cuckoo, like my light, it can be just really calming, and gentle. Whatever your lead is, when you shine your light, you give other people permission to shine their light. And that's kind of what what I'm here for, you know, to shine that authentic light. So people can be like, Whoa, she's way out there. If she's still way out there, and people still like her, then I can just also be myself. But no, I didn't even like I don't even like yoga. I didn't even like yoga. So I'm like, totally. I think I did Bikram yoga twice. And I'm like, What the heck is this? Get me out of here. I don't like that stuff. So I am not one of those people who has always liked Yoga. But on my journey, I noticed that I like to write, write, follow the bliss, the breadcrumb trail. So I'm like, Oh, I like to read. I'm a writer. So I was like blogging. Nobody was reading this blog. I was like writing a book, like a detective novel. And then this music and transformational festival up in Northern California. They had this thing, it was like journaling, and yoga. And I'm like, Well, I really liked the journaling part. I want to go do that, that yoga thing. Oh, well, whatever. And this was when I was really deep in my dark night of the soul. And I was just like, looking for a way out, just grabbing on to anything that can maybe bring me some joy that I was really looking for. And so I went to this, I signed up for that. And I went to this transformational Music Festival up north. And there was a couple that was teaching Kundalini yoga. We did some journaling. But there was a couple that was teaching Kundalini yoga. And this couple was a Caucasian woman from Europe, and an African American man from the south. And their name was Icona. And my mom is a Caucasian German woman, and my dad is an African American man from the south. So just having these two as my teachers, I was like, what's happening? It's like my mom and dad up there, basically. And so they were doing Kundalini yoga with us, and I was like, Okay, I'm just gonna do whatever they say. And I was doing these things. And then one morning, we got up really early, right before the sunrise, and we were chanting in like a really special kind of position. And we were chanting for like hours. And at one moment, it was almost like the heavens opened up and there was like this light beam coming down on me like an angel singing and something unlocked in my voice and in myself, and suddenly I was like, noticing how strong my voice is, and that I have a bit of a raspy dog. are deep voice and the tears just started running down my face and something unlocked. And I no longer hated my voice. And you know, your voice is your most unique part. And if you hate your voice, then you hate yourself. And I had always hated my voice because it's a little deep. And you know, I wanted to have one of those high boys like those cute, right, those cute short girls, those soft spoken girls. And so in middle school, I ate chalk. Because I, you know, I heard in this in the Little Red Riding Hood that the wolf eats chalk to make his voice higher. So I ate chalk, I stole chalk from my teacher, I apologized, and I ate chalk to make my voice higher. So in that moment, chanting, and suddenly noticing how wonderful and vibrant and beautiful and deep my voice is, it opened everything up, it unlocked everything in me. And suddenly, there was an opening for me hating myself. For me thinking I'm not enough, I'm not I'm too much, to suddenly, oh, there's something there that is lovable, I can love myself. And then Kundalini was my thing. And it is my thing. And that's why I share it. Because there can be that sudden opening where your whole life changes.
Katie Kay Graham
Wow. Wow, that's amazing. I think that that moment of that unlocking that you're talking about. It's really, I think it shows up in my life in a lot of different ways. But there are moments of profound release, that can be really significant. And it wasn't until I really dove into my own healing, that those moments started to happen for me. And relating to what happened in that Kundalini class. It's like, when we see our fears, we can almost, we almost don't even need to analyze it. It's not this like conscious, this is something that I need to be healed. But this fear can show up. And the process of letting it go, also can be a process of forgiveness, I've found in what you were just talking about, at the beginning of you were living your life, according to what your mom was living her life. So you were trying to mirror her, and the way that you performed or showed up in the world. And that's, I think that's just so common, because we're reflecting our parents, that's our models. That's who we love. And I think a lot of us hold on to those fears. Because we don't want to blame our parents. We don't want to blame ourselves, we hold on to the shame, like almost like this mask, like we're wearing this mask. And we're just pretending because we're really scared to look at it. But the beautiful thing is, is when we really open up to that fear. And we add in that forgiveness, like that's, I think, a beautiful way of transitioning into something that doesn't you're not you don't have to be so scared of it. Because your heart is full of love. Your parents hearts are full of love, all the people that you've been influenced is full of love. And so when you're looking at your past and you're saying oh my gosh, I'm like eating chalk or how many how many bad things have we done to ourselves? I mean, eating chalk is like one thing right? Which is silly in itself, but like even the three repetitive thoughts that we think over and over that of just self hatred, or oh my gosh, like how many times I lay it out on my like McAllen my cabin out on the dock and just totally fried my skin because I just wanted to be have the suntan and look, you know, like five pounds less or whatever it's like, okay, there's these, like really embarrassing things that we see. Even you know, the voice, like being shameful of voice like that. Anyway, so all these fears, and then I'm just introducing this forgiveness aspect because I have found in my own healing, it's like, that really releases the anchor, right? That really releases the weight of the blame and shame because you're like, I can forgive myself for all of this. Like in this moment. I forgive I forgive my parents, I forgive myself I forgive any kind of influences. And for me that has really opened In the door, because I think I hold on to that shame and fear so much, that I'm not even willing to look at it. And then my healing can't even proceed into that next, like that unlocking that you were talking about. So when you were telling that story, like all these kind of little steps went into my head, because I was thinking like, Oh, what was that process that Christmas saying that I can reflect back into in my own process of like, what are those moments I really let go of some of those fears. What do you think about that Chrisman? Was it a different experience for you that unlocking and what like what do you think maybe looking a little deeper into it? What were some of those aspects that really let you just be free and like, what you're released some of that, wait,
Charisma Whitefeather
just want to say after this hallelujah moment? It does. I was not suddenly who I am. Now, I just want to say that it was that was my awakening moment. And that was the moment where I really earnestly began to travel on this spiritual path of also of healing trauma. So that's what I really also want to bring in this conversation is trauma healing. Because this thing that you know, these things that happened to me, for example, you know, my mom telling me you should be be more quiet. I really took that to heart, because she also related it back to my skin color, and my height, because I'm already so visible, I shouldn't be so loud. But of course, she was just trying to protect me. So that that's going to tie into your your forgiveness, and they just, they just do what they think is best for us. But they're coming from their own wounding, right, and from their own experiences, not like they're just like newborns, no, no, they have, like, decades have stuff within them, that then they bring on to us. And then we take that on until we have that until we have that awakening moment where it's like, Wait, what is my life? What are really my fears? And what have I taken on from my parents, or sometimes even from ancestors, right? I mean, there is so much ancestral trauma that gets carried on from generation to generation. I mean, we're living through that right now in the US. But what I wanted to say is, when that awakening happened, you know, when I got back from that music festival, I quit my job, I quit my job. And then I went into an even deeper dark night of the soul. Because suddenly I didn't have any more income, it was putting a total burden on our relationship and my relationship with my partner, because suddenly he had to, like pay all of the bills. And me coming from my German background, we really identify ourselves through our work. So for me to not have a job and to not be productive. And like, being half of you know, the relationship in a monetary sense. I really had to reevaluate who am I? And how do I bring value and worth into this world and into this relationship. And so it started this whole tectonic shift of my whole life. And so I wanted to say this, that you know, this forgiveness that I feel now towards myself and my parents that was not there, that I feel that there is a kind of cycle that we go through. When we're healing, there's this cycle of everything is horrible. I you see everything wrong with yourself with the world, every person around you, you know exactly what they're doing wrong, what the world is doing wrong, what your parents did wrong, all of your teachers what they did wrong. So it's that kind of that's the first thing like, Oh, my God, everything's just bad. And then it's like, oh, you kind of like committed then move. How can you work on that? How can you will you want to fix it? And then you move into Oh, wait, maybe there's nothing to be fixed. Maybe it's all everything is okay the way it is. And then there comes a point where it's like, well, all these decades, I just didn't know any better. Now I know better. Now I can move forward in a totally different way. Oh, my parents didn't know any better. Oh, well, now I can love them. And now I can see them with more compassion. And when we bring in that compassion that naturally arises on any healing process, that compassion for itself, then you can have compassion towards other and then that compassion expands to people you don't even know who act in horrible ways. You're like, ooh, that's coming from pain. I was there once I can see what's really going on. And then the compassion expands, let the whole world and you see everything like everything that's going on in society, the government how everything is run, you're like, that's coming from trauma and from pain, and from people being afraid and from people feeling like they're not enough. So your whole thing shifts, and then the whole forgiveness thing. It's just a part of right your breathing and I want to bring up this one thing when I started meditating I was like, oh my god, this is the best thing ever. Everybody on the planet should be meditating. And so I told my God, you need to meditate. You need to meditate. I told all my friends, you need to meditate, you should be meditating, oh, why aren't you meditating? So like that judgmental thing comes in a little bit, right? When we start our healing journey, because we, we just grow and we expand, and we see, and then it's so natural, and that's natural part. And then I was like, Oh, I'm just gonna keep meditating. And people are gonna be like, Well, what's your secret sauce? And if they asked me, I'm like, oh, you know, I meditate. And so you just plant a seed, you don't need to like, bring them the fertilizer, bring them the sun, and the rain and everything and make that tree grow, know that little seed, if it wants to, it's gonna grow. And one day, they're gonna be like, oh, yeah, somebody has mentioned meditating, I keep hearing that, maybe I'll start doing that. So that's kind of the thing, the healing journey. First, we kind of want to, like, everybody needs to know about this. And then we become so much more gentle and compassionate and soft with it. And it's the same way with an awakening and becoming more soft with all of the people and all of the things who have wronged us and how we have we have wronged ourselves, so that forgiveness is just naturally occurring. Yeah.
Katie Kay Graham
I love that. I have never had anybody on the podcast explain that healing process just so beautifully. I'm like, so excited to go back to this episode. And listen to that again. Because it was like, when you're going through that process, nobody's giving you a blueprint. But I feel like charisma, you almost just like gave us a little like a little outline of what really it does involve and like such a beautiful, and that word, that compassionate word, is so vibrant in that whole process. And I'm so grateful that you brought that up. But where you're what you were talking about earlier, in the episode of, you're holding a lot of rage and anger, and it was reflecting back into your relationship. I want to talk a little bit about that. Because I think that when we are connecting to our internal state and, and trying to heal within, we also get this weave of what is happening in our relationships. And it's, it's complex in that way, right? Especially if we really do want to take care of these people and love these people around us. At the same time, we'll try to take care of ourselves. And I think there's a few things that you pointed out that I just want to hit on that you talked about was the first one of like, telling people like this, like this is gonna help so much like meditate, meditate. Like I love that because oh my gosh, when I first started meditating, I was like, and I've heard other people, like other teachers say the exact same thing is like, okay, yeah, like once you start meditating, like, you don't need to tell everybody in your life, like you need to meditate. And I think that goes back to being really mindful of it's not, it's not actually external. And you really can't change anything, like any people in your life. And a lot of the times you can't even change the external, just things like job and just a lot of different things. But really, we don't have a ton of control. And so I think about that a lot with just like this work that I'm doing, and I get super excited about like, all these wellness things, I want to fix everybody and, and people aren't going to heal, unless they're asking to be healed. And so I've really, I've learned this from one of my mentors, Jen Solomon, she says, Well, she actually is very good. And just practicing that she's not out there just like telling everybody like, you need to do this. You need it like, this is what's going to fix your back pain. Multiple times. I've said, you know, Oh, my back hurts, blah, blah. But she doesn't offer advice unless, unless the person says, Hey, Jen, like I have a question. And I really want to know your advice on this. And I really respect that I'm trying to implement that more into my life because you can offer and give and give and give. But until somebody is really asking for that help for themselves, they're not going to listen anyway. And knowing what you're giving and giving and giving isn't going to be reflected into their lives because they're not in a place of receiving yet. So I thought I thought that was such a beautiful thing that you just said about that meditation and and I think as like just wellness practitioners or just like people living their life in their in their own healing process. I think remote remembering that that if you're like trying to fix everybody and trying to help and trying to give, give give, I think it's a good time to reflect and just see like, well, like, do they want that? And like, are they asking for that kind of help? And then another thing that you said was in the relationships? The, let's see what the I'm trying to think that.
Katie Kay Graham
Was it the jet maybe the judgments of somebody else? Oh, yeah, this is what I want. Okay, so the inner relationship that when you're judging somebody else, it's really just a reflection back onto yourself. And I've learned this going through that healing process is once I've once I've really connected within and done some deep healing, and I want that to reflect in my partner. Well, it's like, it's not really about them, right? So it's not like, it's, I feel like, it's not really the step of like, okay, now I feel good. Like, now I'm going to tell my partner how to change or, you know, what, like, what he needs to think or what how he needs to judge me now. But it's really not like him, it's not really his responsibility, either. And so me expecting him to change. Or even me, like, if he's saying something, and I'm catching on to a judgement, it's not about him anyway, it's really still about me. So there's a lot of like, there's a lot of things with relationships, I feel like in the healing process, and charisma and just wondering if maybe you could share a little bit about your evolution you saw when you were holding on to all that anger, which I've also been in not, and I'm still working through it. But what was that? And like? How did you see that evolution with your own healing? And then what was did it reflect back into the relationship? And did you see a change in the dynamic? And maybe there are some certain things that you use to, you know, remind like, I don't know, some little tips or tools that you use in your relationship to just, you know, keep it healthy and keep yourself centered and aligned?
Charisma Whitefeather
Yes. Relationships. Oh, my goodness, they're our biggest mirrors, I feel that that's why you know, you're in a relationship that that's the most triggering piece right there. Like anybody can say anything, but if your partner says something like, Oh, my goodness, that's gonna, that's gonna trigger you. It's because they're just mirrors of sometimes parts of ourselves that we might not like that much. Like, oh, wait, Am I really that, that much of a nag. And like, we don't really like seeing that reflected. So that's why it's sometimes also so hard. And sometimes so many relationships end, because we don't go past that point. So relationships are here, we're here to heal each other. So if you're in a relationship with someone, then that person has trauma. You know, even if that person doesn't even know the word, even if you don't know what the word is, even if they never had like an accident or anything crazy, horrible happened to them. Trauma is more like what you make it mean. It can be something so small, like, Oh, your dad picked you up from daycare half an hour late or 15 minutes late or two minutes later than the other kids, suddenly, oh, I'm abandoned, nobody's here for me. And that plays out your whole life. And that plays out in your relationships. So in my relationship, my anger issues were so bad. And this was another one of those points where I knew I had to really look within and that something's going on. I was so angry at my partner that I actually needed felt like I needed to discharge my anger out to my body and I became physically violent was him before that it was many times of me throwing stuff. Me throwing something against the wall like discharging my anger, I had so much rage and anger, that I couldn't even hold it in my body anymore, that it had to come out in some way. And when I lashed out at him, I'm mad became violent towards him. That's when I was like, it was another one of my moments like, What the heck is going on? Like, you you're not a violent person, like my my parents weren't violent people. I did not come from a physical abuse, abuse as a family, you know, in the family. I'm like, What is going on? So my anger, my rage, and I broke down on the floor. Thank goodness, my guy left for a little bit, obviously, because he was trying to protect himself. And that's when I was like, Okay, there's something going on beneath beneath this rage and this anger were and what was going on there for me was I was in so much mental pain and agony all the time. There was so much negative self talk going on around me. There was so much within me where I was seeing other people. And I'm you know, I'm a highly sensitive person, a lot of us highly sensitive people. And I can feel like energies and I, and I was feeling energies that was telling me, Oh, everybody hates me. Everybody I came into contact with at work, oh, oh, the way that she moved her eyebrow there is telling me that she doesn't like me, all that little frown on the corner of his face after he'd spoke with me, he hates me. And the thing was, none of that was true. I was seeing the whole world through a lens of my trauma, which was living with a highly volatile mother, and having to notice every mood that she's in. So I could then react in a way that would appease her mood, and not make her be angry. And because when she's angry, she removes her love from me, and I get the silent and cold treatment. So I would have to see every little look that she gave in her face. If any kind of muscle would move in her cheeks, I would know Oh, I have to do this now. So through that lens of I have to be careful. Whatever I do, I was seeing the world around me. And I was seeing everybody hates me. I was seeing in my partner, he hates me, oh, God, I'm too much. Why did I do this. So all of that was always going on within me. And so when a little conflict would happen, or when I would get triggered by something, he says, all of that would come to the surface because it was already there all the time. And even more would come to the surface, and my body wouldn't be able to handle it, my nervous system would go into fight mode. And I would discharge need to discharge this energy in a really unhealthy way. So beginning to work with the trauma that I had just this wounding, you can call it wounding whatever you want, beginning to do shadow work, and to see that what I hate and other people is what I can't accept in myself. So everything that like I'm like, I wrote out everything that I hate about my partner, and he said this, and he said that everything that hate about my boss, Oh, she's so cold, and all of these things. And then what I did was I put my name on the top of the paper, and I read it as in, I'm so cold, I'm so irresponsible. And I'm like, well, Darren, deep down, I do feel like I'm a really cold person. I do feel I'm irresponsible. And that was like I was I became aware of the mirror, I became aware of that what I see in the world is what's in me. And I was like, Oh, that was so humbling. And that was like one of the worst things ever, because I'm like, Oh, I am actually that person, I am that person. And then bringing in right, the forgiveness and the compassion. And being able to see that and being able to shine light on those shadow parts of myself, helped me to begin to slowly heal also my anger and helped me because under that anger also was a lot of grief, a lot of grief in my life. So begin to looking at that grief, and begin to healing the grief forgiving, bringing compassion into the grief aspect. So basically, the whole of healing myself, healed my anger, and I'm a fiery person. So anger is now my superpower. So when I feel anger about something, I use that anger, and I channeled it, you know, like for social activism, or like, even with my partner, like, you know, if we get I don't know, sometimes we don't get treated like we order something, and it doesn't come right. And then, you know, it's like, oh, you know, we don't need to call and then we call and they're really like, kind of rude. And then I'm like, Well, excuse me, blah, blah, blah. And then I say something and it's my anger coming through. And suddenly the situation is resolved. You know, you can use your anger in a really holy in a really, in a really great way because it's like fire, right fire can can burn or fire can can heat your stove so you can nourish yourself and your family. So it's beginning to accept, oh, I tend to be angry. I tend to have anger. I'm beginning to accept that within myself, and then saying, Well, how can I? Oh, I'm feeling angry now. What's beneath that anger? Oh, a need was not met. Or there's some injustice happening? How can I then use my anger in a really productive way? And how can I use the anger to wake up what needs to be woken up and I think this is the holy task of the divine feminine. If you are feeling you know your woman embodied in the divine feminine or whatever gender you are, if you are embodying the divine feminine, this can be our holy HASK to use our fire rather than repress it and wanting to be the good girl, which you know, a society tells us to be. And then when we don't feel that way, we're like, Oh, I must be the bad girl. I must be bad person because I have this rage. No, your rage is showing you something's not right. Something's wrong here. But the way that you express your rage, that's important. Because if you come at your person, at anybody with like, like you need to change this eye, or you scream at somebody, nobody's going to hear you, they're going to just shut down and become defensive. So you need to transmute your rage into a helpful fire burning Cali anger that can wake people up wake societies up. Like right now in this situation that we're in right now. It's okay to feel feel angry. And it's okay. And this is where we can use this divine feminine fierce energy to heal our partnerships in our society, because I want to bring this back to the partnership when you begin healing yourself when I began healing myself, and also my fierce feminine that is there because we are cyclical beings, and because of our menstrual cycle, and that week before the period this luteal phase is meant for the Divine Feminine fierceness to come out. So you can stop people pleasing. So you can stop all that stuff. And so you can be like, what's important now for me, and also what's important for the Earth? What's important for the oppressed people? What's important for people who can't show up for themselves, so I can show up for them, that energy is needed, and it's needed in your relationship? Because sometimes you need to speak that fierce truth. You need to be like, You know what, babe, that's not working for me, how can we find a solution for this? And the partner is like, Oh, wait, what? She was so sweet last week, what's happening now? And so we must honor that and be able to use it in a constructive way. So that's my viewpoint on Anchor. Yeah,
Katie Kay Graham
no, that was amazing charisma. And it reminds me I went to this yoga class a few weeks ago, and, and he said that balancing the feminine and the masculine energy, and it really stuck with me, he was talking about the feminine, if you're having a healthy, feminine energy, it's like this flow of emotion, and we can release it in a healthy way. And then the masculine is, we can create these boundaries around just around our ourselves and our emotions. And, and I thought that was such a beautiful way of explaining it. And I recently I've been trying to, instead of holding any of my emotions back, like allow them to exists and allow them to be released and what you were talking about, like, oh, gosh, like this, like, Girl, that's like punching the couch, like, well, that's not pretty and like, you know, not beautiful, but it's like, well, how, like, how else am I supposed to, you know, am I supposed to shove it down deep into my body and hold just keep holding that anger down or mega scream into a pillow or scream out into the woods and just release because I don't think I've ever really had that permission. And finally, allowing I love the way he explained, it's like this, if you allow those emotions, it's like this wave, it's like this ocean. And then once you've released it, it's gone. Like it's gone. It's not stuck in yourself anymore. And that's the creating the boundaries. And I think before my masculine was just so tight, it was just like, so strict the rules like this, this, this and really holding in my emotions too tightly by too tight of boundaries. And so it reminds me of like, what you're talking about having that healthy flow of energy. And, yeah, it was like such a beautiful description of also how you can give yourself permission of in your relationship of having a certain time in your cycle that allows you to really be like, okay, like, almost like check in I kind of made me think like, oh, wow, like I could really use that I could really have a week where I could actually have that time where I could check in and see it like what's not working and actually use that fire. And which I feel like according to Ayurveda, I have little amount of I have most little amount of pit I have Kapha and vata So, yeah, it'd be nice to just have that permission, which is a great segue into PMDD which is a such a, like, niche topic that you have grabbed on to and I think it's really important than I don't know a lot about it. So I'd love For me and the listeners, if you could explain Chris, my, what is PMDD? And how do you incorporate that into your work? Yes,
Charisma Whitefeather
such an important topic. So it's such so little known. So PMDD is short for premenstrual dysphoric disorder. And in a really, in a really simplified way I say it's super extreme PMS, it's like PMs on steroids. And I know we all you know, kind of might know about PMS, but PMDD takes it a step, way further, hundreds of steps further, it's when the symptoms they totally disrupt your life, like people become suicidal in this phase this week, or 10 days, this luteal phase after ovulation before your bleed, this phase people destroy relationships. And this was the phase also when my anger outbursts towards my partner, when that was just when that happened. And it's also when people so many people end relationships, and quit jobs. So it really has a huge impact on their lives. And some of the symptoms are, you know, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, fatigue, of course, breast tenderness, super crazy period, cramps, also, oh my gosh, so, so many, so many mood related symptoms, you know, like really, that your moods just are out of control, you feel out of control, and also a lot of physical symptoms, of course, also. And the thing here is that it's cyclical, so that it comes before your period. And you just feel out of control, like you're Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. So one day, you're like, Oh, I love everybody. And the next day, you want to literally kill everybody. And so living with that, I mean, for decades, people get diagnosed as bipolar, because there's, it's so unknown, that people go to doctors and doctors like, well, we need to put put her on medication, she's bipolar, or we need to get her into psychiatric hospital, this person is like out of control, when it's this sensitivity to the hormonal fluctuations. So that's what that's what is at the root of that, that when the hormones change, we're really sensitive to those hormonal fluctuations. And what's at the root of these mood related symptoms is the trauma. So when that luteal phase hits, our nervous system becomes more frail. And it's, you know, it's more easily put into that fight flight, freeze, fawn mode, all of those modes, so everything that's under the rug, the rug gets kind of lifted, and all of the gunky stuff, all of the crap comes out, and it totally begins to rule your world. And your whole worldview just tightens. And you can't really see like, I have those glasses on, you can't really see the world in a normal way. You think everybody hates you, your partner hates you. People get crazy paranoia. I'm using crazy, not in Yeah, I should probably shouldn't say that people get cuckoo, crap, paranoia, that everybody hates them, the partner hates, and the partner is cheating. So it's just It ruins lives. It ruins lives. People who are parents, for example, imagine you're a parent and you are children. And you just want your children to grow up happy. And suddenly you are screaming at them lashing out at them maybe become physically violent with your children. And then a few days later, when when your period comes, when your belief comes, you're like, what just happened? Why did I do this? So the guilt and the shame cycle. And I was going through this and I learned finally that I have this. And so I went on all these forums. And a lot of times how people get out of this is they have hysterectomy. So in order to get away from this, women have parts of their bodies removed. And that's when my awakening came, I just I was crying and sobbing because I heard these stories. And I'm like, wait, but I didn't need to do that. Like I was able to heal myself. Like there has to be a different way out. But because the medical community and doctors don't know about this, they're like, oh, yeah, or they say, you know, go on the pill, make your cycle go away totally or, or get that stuff out of there that makes you have a cycle. That's the solution. I'm like, this can't be the solution. And that's when I was like there has to be other peoples out there who know there's a better way to deal with this. And that's when I created the PMDD healing Summit. And I just reached out to all of these PMDD experts. I'm like, Let's get together. And let's share that there are solutions that you can have less symptoms that you can live a life where your emotions are more balanced. And so when I got everybody together, and that's how my whole journey started in the PMDD community.
Katie Kay Graham
Wow, charisma that's unbelievable. So amazing. And you mentioned emotional bank. Balance and I saw on your Instagram, you are doing an emotional balance. I think it's a workshop or during the summer. Tell us about that.
Charisma Whitefeather
Yeah, so I did the emotional balance challenge that was a five day challenge and there's a link on my, on my webpage Kundalini with charisma.com/challenge. If you want to get into the emotional balance, because that's the thing, that there's an imbalance in motions right emotions are normal, right? Emotions are just energy in motion. If we let them move, like you said earlier, you know, they come in waves. But if we have childhood woundings, teenage woundings, adult woundings, we make those emotions mean something about ourselves about the world about the other person, and they get stuck, they get stuck in our mind, and they get stuck in the body. And so you know, they always say, you know, your body keeps score, that's, you know, it's a really great book, all your issues are in your tissues. It's not some mumbo jumbo, it's not some woowoo stuff. This is proven, because it's that your body, it's not just your mind, right, that communicates with a body. And since the body signals of distress, it's your body, that can send your mind signals of I feel unsafe, we need to get out of here, when there's nothing to want to run away from. There's no lion chasing you, but your mind thinks there is and it sends out all of these then kind of things that are happening. And so this is what can happen when your nervous system is dysregulated. And when you have these issues that are still stuck in your tissues, and so with Kundalini yoga, and with other yogas, but especially with Kundalini yoga, and with the breathing that we do, and with meditation, special meditations that we do, and that I do, you release these things from your body, suddenly, you know, could Alinea we like to do a lot of like repetitive movements with a breath. And we basically do that this is my theory, we basically do that. So that your, your conscious mind, it just gets bored. And it switches itself off. And it's like, well, we're doing the same thing for three minutes. I'm out of here. And so you go into the subconscious mind. And then suddenly, while you're doing something, you might feel lots of anger. And that's because your subconscious is releasing the junk, and allowing your body to release the junk that's in there. I was doing a Kundalini practice that we do. It's called White Tantra, where we hold postures for an hour, and you're sitting across from somebody, and you're holding this posture as I'm as you're chanting. And so imagine doing one thing for an hour, like your stuff gets really tired, your mind just goes cuckoo. And suddenly, I'm sitting across from this man. And I'm doing this thing. And I'm seeing his face, like because I'm a really powerful, powerful feminine being. And I'm seeing his face like, like kind of becoming disgusted. Or like It looks like he's like recoiling from me. And in me, I'm like, Oh, my God, I make I scare men away. Men hate me. I'm too powerful. That's what's coming up within me. And I'm just starting to cry. And these thoughts are coming up. And I'm like, Well, I didn't know that was all in there. And so we get through this practice, and that has been moved out of my body out of my system, and I didn't even know it was there. So that's what helps to also bring you emotional balance. And one more thing about Kundalini Yoga. You know, we do so much in our lives to move away from discomfort. Right? As soon as something gets uncomfortable, Oh, this must not be right for me, I have to move away from it. Or Ooh, there's something wrong here. I have to move away from it uncomfortable emotions, rage, whatever it is sadness, and whatever it is that you're feeling anxiety. There's something wrong, I must now take my phone and scroll, or I must now eat a pint of ice cream. Because I want to regulate my system. That's all you want to do. You want to regulate your system and get back to get back to feeling blissful. Normal. And this is something that's happening in your nervous system. So discomfort is danger. In Kundalini Yoga, we bring in the discomfort on purpose. When you hold a posture for a while discomfort, it's gonna happen you're not doing anything wrong, or you're bad yogi, it's gonna happen. But we want to help the nervous system to be able to sit in that discomfort and be like, Oh,
Charisma Whitefeather
I'm still safe. I'm still good. Oh, this is okay. I can be with discomfort because the thing is, and one of my favorite Buddhist monks, M T, not Han. He says, you know we can it's the biggest gift that we can give ourselves is to sit in the discomfort and to be with uncomfortable emotions. Because when We can be with them. That's how we heal them. When we can be present with them. That's how we heal them. Nobody else can do this for you, you know, all the healers out there, all they do is unlock our healing power in ourselves. So the answers are always inside ourselves. So being able to sit with that discomfort. And that brings the emotional balance so that when that onslaught comes, you know, when the mind hits you with all this stuff, when the world gets cuckoo crazy around you, you're like, Oh, I feel the discomfort. Ooh, yeah, there's a lot raging in me. Wow, you can just be with it. You're like, Okay, what's the message beneath that, because there's always a message beneath that what's really going on. And you're like, oh, I can listen now to that message. Oh, I hear you. And now I can respond to this, instead of reacting. In the moment, I can respond in a healing way, in a way that's expansive. So that's really the emotional balance part is bringing in the ability, I like to say, to be able to sit with your sh i t, to be able to sit with it, to be able to hold the tension, and to be with the discomfort so you can get to the Golden Nugget that's inside there. And so yeah, you heal yourself. Every time you get triggered, you have the opportunity to bring healing to yourself. And then when you bring healing to yourself, you bring it to your partner without forcing them to heal. Because your life becomes the message, your healing spreads out to everybody around you, the person at Starbucks, the way you react to them. Everybody gets healed by you having healed parts of yourself.
Katie Kay Graham
Hmm. Yeah, I want to mention too, when I first did Kundalini Yoga, I was like, so shocked and just, like didn't really understand what was what what it like what was happening, basically, because when you go and do your vinyasa yoga and your power yoga and the you know, quote, unquote, normal yoga, normal is not the right word, the quote unquote, like what we kind of think about if we think about Western society, yoga, and then you go to a kundalini yoga class, it is really different. And so now, though, I think it's important to have a perspective around Kundalini yoga, and just what you were talking about charisma. Once I understood and had a little bit broader perspective of how the body, specifically the brain, and the nervous system are connected, and trauma and, and just the whole concept around trauma, I think what you mentioned body, keep the score, Keeps the Score is such a profound book, totally transformed my understanding of myself, my body, what I was holding on to what I was holding on to that I didn't even know what I was holding on to right, the generational trauma, I really, truly believe that we all hold trauma. So I think then, once I had that understanding, and also understanding that healing takes place in both talk therapy, and body therapy, and especially for trauma, you need to have the bought the bottom up process to heal and move through trauma. And my perspective of exercise has completely changed ever since I started diving into this work. Understanding that when we're healing the body, we move from a sympathetic so that fight or flight that stress that uncomfortable part into a parasympathetic so the rest and digest the calm. And it's this fluctuating back and forth that the body and the nervous system actually begins to heal. Because it starts to understand what a healthy balance is. And I'm no expert at all on this. I just know kind of layman's term of what that how I understand that now. And even just go into a yoga class and understanding that shift and how healing it is for my body and myself. Now understanding that whole concept doing Kundalini Yoga, I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is like the most powerful thing I felt like I heard somebody wants say, doing one year of Kundalini Yoga is like doing 10 years of vinyasa yoga, which, you know, it's just it's not really like that's true, but it's a good That kind of comparison just to understand, like, how much benefit you can really get from Kundalini yoga. Charisma Would you mind for those that don't know Kundalini Yoga, just give them like a little brief explanation of what maybe a class would look like. And I know you have a 20 minute Kundalini mini class on your Instagram too. So that would be great for somebody to check out as well, if they're interested.
Charisma Whitefeather
Yes, check out that class. I always say if somebody's new to Kundalini Yoga after class, I always say, if you wondered what the heck just happened, that's totally normal. Because that is a kundalini yoga class, you know, some parts of a kundalini yoga posture is dancing. Another one is laughing like laughing is a part of it, you know, shaking. And these are all things that we know that are proven to, you know, help regulate the nervous system. So it's just blowing me away. What these Yogi's knew, you know, 1000s of years ago, they were, they were really onto something and I feel that Kundalini Yoga is one of the more woowoo yoga is out there. It's it gets really weird. And it gets really interesting and great in class. But I think that's also what keeps the mind flexible. You never know what a class is going to be like. So, you know, Kundalini Yoga is so powerful because in every class, we include mantra, we include meditation, we include breathwork, right? We include also yogic philosophy usually comes in you know, there's always like an energetic aspect. There's this aspect of, of chakras of like going deeper within yourself. And of course, we have, you know, Asana, of course, postures. So Kundalini yoga class, we tune in with a beautiful mantra that reminds you of your own inner wisdom. And I feel that that's the important thing about Kundalini Yoga, it always reminds you that you're your own teacher, you're your own guru. And especially in the Kundalini yoga community, we really got to learn this, to not rely on some outside person, but to rely on our own experiences. And then we do always a little like a warm up, and then we get into the postures, and the postures are just there to raise your Kundalini energy, but in a gentle way, um, you might have heard of Kundalini awakenings and like horror stories of people like having shifts or phrenic episodes because of Kundalini awakenings. And but in kundalini yoga, we, we raise this energy in a really gentle way, in a controlled way in the safe container. So we're we do like breathing exercises, moving all kinds of different way, things that you never really thought you would move. And we sometimes hold postures and do repetitive movements. I mean, for up to 11 minutes in our class, or we could go even longer. And that's when you really get to her afterwards, you just feel so victorious, and powerful, and you really feel a shift. So just in one hour, your whole being you center yourself, you, you bring yourself back and I feel that that's the beauty of Kundalini yoga class. And that's why, you know, Kundalini yoga was brought to the west, because the guy who brought it to the west Yogi Bhajan, he said that, you know, people are gonna need something fast. Like you kind of said, you know, I don't want to discredit any other Yogi's, but we don't have time to perfect the posture for like 40 years, or go into a cave in the Himalayas, where people living here and now we got families, we got jobs, we need this stuff to work in an hour in three minutes in one minute. You need to make that stuff work, shift yourself, move on, uplift the people around you. And let's keep doing that. And that's how we change the world. So yeah, I love this stuff. It's so special. It's so Whoo, it's so great.
Katie Kay Graham
I feel like you hit it right on head on the nail. And you said it was that shift into center. That's totally how I have felt. And I'm excited to do that emotional balance challenge. I just feel like we all need that whether or not we're struggling with the PMDD. Or just like daily life, I mean, bringing that our emotions into balance. It's just so amazing when we can feel that alignment. So I'm really excited about that, Chris, my thanks for offering that. And then to end our episode, I feel like we could just dive into so much here but wrapping it up. I want to be respectful of your time. So I love to ask the guests at the end of the episode, what is their own daily wellness routine? So if you wouldn't mind sharing with us to give us a little inspiration, what does your daily routine look like?
Charisma Whitefeather
Yeah, so I feel my routine starts when I open my eyes. I first say wow, I'm here. How amazing. Why guru. That's how we sang and Kundalini yoga. We use these mantras from Gurmukhi. And I say why Guru? Wow, how wonderful it is to be alive. That's how it starts. And then I kind of I massage my face, and I massage my belly. I massage my breasts, and then I do like Have stretch from side to side and I stretch. And then I hook my knees into my chest and I do some Breath of Fire, just to set my navel, you know, the navel chakra is so important to stay in your power through the day. And then I get up and I make myself a glass of warm lemon water, you know, to get the body flowing, to clean it out. And then I do a practice maybe like 20 minutes. Right now I'm doing one to help digestion. So I do that one for about 20 to 30 minutes. And also, you know, before I drink my lemon water, we do this thing in kundalini yoga, where we clear out the monkey glands. So we have these glands here that that gather. So Kundalini Yoga, that's why I love it, it's a whole life experience, you know, it goes into your life, we clear out the monkey glands by you put your toothbrush or something, and the back of your throat, and you just gently gag just really gently. But I know it sounds totally cool. But what it actually also does, it tones your vagus nerve. So it helps your nervous system to regulate to stay regulated to stay strong. So you start your day off with like that. And so that's kind of my thing. And that's what I do. And I go on a lot of walks, I go on a lot of walks, every day I walk and I just, I just think to myself, but yeah, I feel also, you know, a daily practice is one of the most important things that we also get given in kundalini teacher training, we have to do a 40 day practice where you have to do the same meditation or you know, posture sequence of postures kriya, every day, for 40 days, if you miss a day, you have to start over again at one, and then we do it for 90 days. And so doing that brings in a whole new, so if you will set your challenge for that if you find a meditation for yourself, and you do that for 40 days. And then you have to start over the beautiful thing is you start noticing, oh, today was really easy and great. The next day, I hated it today and you become okay with your own emotional fluctuations. And that again, brings it back to write the emotional balance. You'll notice, I'm not the same person every day. I'm a different person every day and you know what? That's okay. It's okay to be that way. And it's okay. If it's hard some days, some days, it's easy. So it brings in that self compassion. So yeah, that's kind of my, my daily practice. Definitely, always, always also, chanting is such an important part of my daily life, because it was part of my awakening. And I know that so many people I work with the chanting aspect is just so healing, so transformative. So great.
Katie Kay Graham
Wow. Thank you for sharing. And then also, where can we find you? Like where? Online on your website or Instagram and I'll obviously put all of this in the show notes. So if people are interested in reaching out, I will have all of that down for them? Oh,
Charisma Whitefeather
yes, I love connecting. So my website is Kundalini with charisma.com. Charisma, CH AR I SMA. And you know, the challenge is great for anybody who wants emotional balance or if you want a little like intro to Kundalini yoga and see what's going on. Or if you want to, you know, incorporate a daily practice into your life and you're like, Oh, I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know what postures to do what meditation to do like this, the yoga challenge, the five day challenge is going to set you up so it's under Kundalini with charisma.com/challenge. Or you can find me on Instagram charisma dot Whitefeather. Yes, come connect with me on Instagram I love I love using the gram to connect with people and just like, slide into my direct messages. always love hearing from y'all.
Katie Kay Graham
I love it. Thank you so much charisma for being here. I just like feel like you're such a wealth of knowledge. And I just had so much joy talking with you. So really appreciate you spending the time being here with us.
Charisma Whitefeather
Thank you so much for having me. And thank you for what you're doing, you know, spreading, spreading this knowledge and wisdom with all these different people. And also, you know, I always feel that your life is your message like the way you live your life and even like your tone of voice and are your loving, compassionate way of sharing your message. It's just it's so uplifting and you're really, really a role model. So thank you so much.
Katie Kay Graham
Oh my gosh, beautiful. Thank you so much. That was a great way to end this episode. And thank you listeners for showing up for taking care of yourself and your body. I will see you all next week.
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EPISODE REFERENCES:
Episode 2 Madeleine Hackett: https://katiekaygraham.com/blog/2
Episode 15 Katie Barbaro: https://katiekaygraham.com/blog/15
Episode 8 Becky Cannon: https://katiekaygraham.com/blog/28
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Outdoor Yoga Class (IRL Park City): Tuesday's July 12th - Sept 5:30pm-6:30pm, Jeremy Ranch Park City
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EXTRAS & FREEBIES:
Free Resources: https://katiekaygraham.com/resources
Free Morning Mantras for Food & Body PDF: https://katieyoung539.lpages.co/morning-affirmations/
Episode Shownotes (more episode details & resources): https://katiekaygraham.com/blog/59
